"My idea of roughing it", said Ade "is a manual gearbox". Oh how the other half live !

Further thoughts in this vein, shortly.

In the meantime I am trying to persuade my children to subscribe to my view of fatherhood and their responsibilities.

I have told Ellie...

"To you, your father should be as a God;
One that composed your beauties - yeah and one
To whom you are but as a form in wax
By him imprinted, and within his power
To leave the figure or disfigure it."

...but alas she is not buying the concept.

Duncan

A word to the wise. If you are having any building work done and you have any workers with names that include vowels, sack them on the spot.

They are not nearly Polish enough. Consonants, that's what we want. Someone with a name full of consonants like Strfwch Whsknjtch will be a master craftsmen.

You see, when Polish Pete turns up - well we have to call him that because Strfwch is frankly unpronounceable - he will be spot on time; he will take his shoes off at the door; he will be polite; he will refuse your offer of tea or coffee and only accept after considerable pressure and then it will be a cup of coffee; he will work brilliantly and ceaselessly and uncomplainingly until the job is finished; he will then clean up meticulously; he will hand his empty coffee cup back and thank you again and he will depart quietly.

And you will have fallen in love with him. You will want your daughter to marry him and most of all you will want him to come back and do the one thousand and one things that you need done but dare not ask a British workman to sneer at.

Vowels, Pah ! Consonants are king ! Up the Poles ! ... perhaps not.

And they speak better English than the locals to boot.

Duncan

One final Barbados thought to share...

On the way to the airport with fields of sugar cane on either side of the road, I asked the driver if they had many snakes in Barbados ? "None", he replied "Not since they introduced the Mongoose"
"You'll have plenty of rats then ?"
"Oh, yes. Loads of rats".

We'd seen several kind of stoatey/ferrety things which must actually have been mongoose, crossing the road.

So Rikki Tikki Tavi was alive and a well and living in Barbados. Isn't the mongoose native to India ?

Further communication with our marine biologist friend - of Nigel, the turtle fame - elicited the fact that actually Barbados never did suffer from a snake problem. They have a few harmless grass snakes although these have reduced in number to perhaps two and one of them hasn't been seen for twenty years ! The problem with the sugar cane was that the rats were eating it and that's why the mongoose was introduced.

Quite why the government of Barbados thought that the mongoose - whose staple diet is snake - would decide that rat would be the dish of the day, no one really seems to know. Worse still, rats climb and the mongoose doesn't. And worser still the active hours of the two creatures appear to be at opposite ends of the day. The rats are awake at night and the mongoose are awake during the day, so generally they don't meet up much. Makes you wonder what the mongoose have been living on, or rather it doesn't because they ate all the harmless grass snakes which is why there are only two left.

Man's intervention in nature, as ever an unholy cock up !

Duncan

Back from Barbados. Sandy and Robert married and all is well. A great time was had too. Ellie saved a green back turtle with the help of Barry Krueger, a marine biologist in charge of the Turtle Project on Barbados. She named him Nigel: the turtle that is, not Barry. Barry informed her that Nigel could well be a girl as at just 10 years old the turtle was still some 20 years off maturity and difficult to sex. “So, Nigella”, said Ellie, “if that is the case.” In fact, to suit my purposes I had privately named it 'Jeremy Clarkson', regardless of sex.

We stayed at the Treasure Beach Hotel, in St, James, where I had stayed some 16 years previously. The abundant coral reef of 1992 had been decimated and although there were several of the original species of fish still left, they were few in number and the coral was grey and lifeless.

The Treasure Beach while still being a very cosy and comfortable hotel, had changed a great deal and was noticeably flaking at the edges. The much vaunted $25 million refit was not obvious. In fact a refit is precisely what the hotel requires. Perhaps I misread the information and the refit is about to happen.

Sandy Lane as ever was the talking point but the coast is becoming so over developed that I would think that Barbados is yesterday's news as a holiday destination. A pity. Still if we holiday elsewhere in future we won't have to bump into the Michael Winners and Simon Cowells of this world, which is a plus. That said, we really did have a very good time.

The Wedding went off smoothly and was much enjoyed by the other guests in the hotel. The Treasure Beach did a very good job of organising everything and the photo's were wonderful.

Bride and Bridesmaid The Happy Couple

Wedding Party

There were seven of us including Sandy and Robert, Clare and Stuart on the holiday which was all part of the celebration of the marriage. And more convivial company it would be hard to beat. It was also a time of greath warmth as these two gentle people made their vows. “Obey”, I hasten to add wasn't one of them. I hope the occasion was as special for them as it was for us.

I found a Clarkson book to read. I don't know why but it caused much comment. People stop to pass the time of day when you are reading Jeremy Clarkson. “Ooh I love that Top Gear”...”My husband's reading that book at the moment”....and from a lovely lady with a refined Chicago accent “He doesn't think much of Americans, does he ?”. No indeed. He thinks they are Wankers. To quote him correctly “250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker”.

Then somebody said they had seen him having a drink at a hotel just up the road. I told “She who must etc...” that if I saw him I would speak to him. She didn't think much of this idea.

"Wouldn't it be funny if he saw you reading one of his books", piped up someone.

"Not really. As a No 1 best seller I should think it's pretty normal for him to see people reading his books. He'd get worried if he didn't see people reading his books", I countered.

Then we were told that he had left the island and gone home. How do people know these things ?

So it was a surprise to me to walk into the bar at one hotel and find him playing back gammon with a woman - his wife ? Naturally I went straight up to him, apologised for interrupting him while he was on holiday and in mid game and told him that I loved the stuff he wrote and the programme and that the family were all fully paid up members of the “Jeremy Clarkson supporters club”. He and the lady listened, slightly quizzically but smiling - I suppose you do if you are famous, as you have no idea what is going to be said to you and whether or not it will be offensive - and he said “Thank you very much. Very kind” at the end. The complete gentleman to my intrusion.

Ellie was much chuffed that `we' had met Mr. Clarkson and “She who must etc...” couldn't believe that I had spoken to him. “Did he tell you to p*** off then ?” “Oddly enough, no. He was exactly as I would have expected”. She of little faith.

We met a number of like minded people, with whom I genuinely feel we will stay in touch. I met a lady whose father had worked for Shell, as my father had, and who had been stationed in Caracas Venezuela. Barbados was therefore their nearest caribbean holiday spot. We had been based in the Philippines. To add to the coincidences this lady was a cook and worked for Sir Martin Arbib - he of the Perpetual financial company. And it was he who in 1969 lent me $20. We were on a flight from Hong Kong to Bangkok when the plane had to turn back because of a mechanical problem and we were to stay overnight in HK. Martin and his bride Sally were on their round the world honeymoon - she having been a BOAC stewardess. I met my mother at the airport with a “Hi mum, this is Martin Arbib, I wonder if you could let him have the $20 I've just borrowed from him”. You see, we were just as bad as our children are today. Worse probably. Anyway I had decided to contact Martin Arbib and had sent him a letter a couple of months ago but had not had a reply. I was a little uncertain of his address as the Perpetual/Invesco people were suitably vague, naturally. Anyway, thanks to the lady I met, I have the address of his p.a. and can check if they have the letter. The lady told me “well he wouldn't have replied if you wrote recently because he has been in Barbados at his home, since Christmas and in fact only went back to the UK last Friday”. So now I know. I hope he gets my letter.

Apropos the new career, I have much material. I am working up articles to market, for;

The Sea Turtles Of Barbados

The Decimation Of The Coral

1992 Versus 2008 In Barbados

The Ignomony Of Travelling Economy

On Holiday With Jeremy Clarkson

How We Saved Jeremy Clarkson

In the meantime I supplied the articles to my first commission and will have to wait until publication to find out if I am to be published.

On the 9th April we toasted Alex Whitworth and Corrie McQueen, to the success of their adventure and to a safe passage as they set off from Sydney to Devon Island. You can follow their log on www.berrimilla.com/tng/blog.html

There is one final story from Barbados.

Returning on a BA flight on Sunday 13th April, Ellie thought it might be nice if the cabin staff or the pilot might make an announcement congratulating Sandy and Robert on their marriage, so she spoke to a stewardess. Ellie told me that this had been arranged and that the Captain would read out a message. As the flight neared its end I asked Ellie when this announcement would be made. Once we had landed we were told.

We waited.

The Captain said his farewells and thank you's and still nothing.

I had told Ellie that the passengers would probably applaud the announcement. But alas, there was no clapping, because there was no announcement.

Nothing.

As we exited the plane we asked what had happened and were told that the message had been passed to the flight deck.

Now I don't know who this `Scottish accented' Captain was but he made a big mistake..

In case he missed the point these are the errors he made.

1. An impressionable 10 year old could have been a BA passenger for life. Now she is likely to question which airline will carry her in the future and to elect any airline other than BA if possible.

2. Our party - seven of us - are in a similar position,

3. BA share the Barbados route with Virgin. They have now lost 7 passengers to the competition.

4. The PR impact of making that announcement to the several hundred passengers on the plane would have been immeasurable. This was lost.

5. Crew confidence in the Captain has been lost. They will certainly ask themselves why he couldn't have satisfied the modest request of a 10 year old girl.

6. Worse still, once we told the married couple what had not happened, they were incensed at the way Ellie had been treated by the Captain.

7. This story which had the makings of a very nice fillip to BA has now been sent to the nationals for an airing. It is a human story;

“10 year old's hopes dashed by callous BA”.

You'd think what with T5 and all, that they would throw themselves at some good publicity. Apparently not.

And as public relations opportunities, none come more neatly packaged or is indeed handed to one on a plate quite so readily as this. So why British Airways fell at the first hurdle is beyond me. Corporate greed ? Disdain for the customer, the little man ? Or a simple matter of forgetfulness which of course in its casualness encompasses greed and disdain. I know not.

It would have made such a lovely end to such a fabulous wedding and honeymoon.

Still it didn't spoil it for us and I am sure it didn't spoil it for Robert and Sandy. Water off a duck's back, eh ?

Duncan