Duncan Wells

2009-10-22T16:29:00.004+01:00

Rather a long gap between the last post and this. Sorry. There is very little new stuff to report other than that we are getting on with everything and doing more of the same. More voice overs, more RYA teaching, more writing on the books and more talks. I am speaking at the Colostomy Association Open Day in Swansea and will be trying to inspire other ostomates to be positive. Who would have thought five years ago that this is where I would be heading ? Anyway the talk has plenty of laughs so they should be entertained if nothing else. The Sailing Today articles are going well and I notice that I have squeaked onto the Masthead of the magazine - the bit on the first page or so that tells you who who the editor is and the writers and the publisher etc. and I have gone down as 'Features - Duncan Wells.' Dorothy Lee made the front page of the magazine the other day and I share this with you now...

Who's a Cover Girl ?

That's Andrew Rogers on the helm if anyone is interested. He and I handled the boat in quite a bit of wind until I got fed up with being bashed about on the foredeck - Andrew was helming perfectly, we just had too much wind for the Cruising Chute - and called the office to ask for another person to help. We then made our way out of the exposed Southampton water and into the lee of the Isle of Wight and things calmed down. Our crew member, Jackie, joined us and she was most helpful and able - she knew her stuff - and we got the shots. The cover shot is of us just on the edge of control in the windy part of the Solent. Rick, the photographer is very clever and managed to get this action shot.

Beyond that the herniations continue and are being monitored. No one wants to do anything because of the downside involved in 'going' in. So until the herniations become too awkward to manage we stay well clear. Instead pro tem I am having a corset. This will allow me to use my abdomen which is key in terms of voice delivery, projection and tone. No doubt I shall be teased unmercifully.

I hope you all had as good a Summer as we did and are suitably refreshed for the return to serious work.

All the best,

D

2009-06-05T15:04:00.002+01:00

Where are we ?

Voiceover work. I must say I have never known it so quiet but we have been involved in some nice work, last minuters for CNN, interesting Audio Visual Productions ( I do the Audio only bit) and some well written radio commercials. As the markets appear to be coming back I hope that the advertisers will return and we can get back on track with... the career !

Writing for Sailing Today. So far we have had ‘Springing On’ in the May issue, ‘Pile Mooring’ in the June issue, ‘Sailing Onto A Mooring’ in the July issue. Then ‘Sail Trim – Closehauled and Reaching’ will be in the August issue, ‘Sail Trim – Downwind Sailing’ will be in the September issue and ‘Anchoring With Confidence’ will be in the October issue. We work some way ahead with these things.

Speaks and Talks. I am speaking at BAREMA (The British Anaesthetic and Respiratory Manufacturers Equipment Association) annual dinner later this month. I have a number of WI talks coming up and a couple of Auditions. I have also given a few talks to Sailing clubs, notably Reading Offshore Club and Henley Offshore Group which were great fun. The Lord Illiffe – Commodore of the Royal Yacht Squadron thanked me for my offer to give them a talk but said that they tended to pressgang speakers from their midst. I knew this but had been trying to point out that as far as I knew none of his members could possibly speak on my subject as i was unique. Not unique enough for the RYS, apparently. Finally I am in touch with some international medical conference organisers and they have shown interest in my speaking at their events. One of them emailed me recently from Milan and I was reminded of something that happened there many years ago so I wrote and told them about it. I share this with you now...

Ah, Milan. Great coffee, great buzz. I had a car accident in Milan many years ago. I had borrowed a friend's Jaguar XJ12 - outrageously quick - and driven from Lausanne, outrageously quickly, to deliver something to a man in Milan. New to the city I was navigating with the map on the steering wheel - what I would have given for a satnav ? And I kept seeing these signs for 'Senso unico' or something similar. I discovered that the driving technique was based on nerve. Poke your bonnet into a space that didn't exist, keep going and you would get through. The Italians would cut it fine but would not crash into you if you stuck to your guns. So, emboldened at my ability to take on the locals and their fearsome reputation and having delivered the package to some office in the back streets, I was driving positively through an intersection when some chap came flying out of nowhere and clouted my right hand front side. The bonnet on his car buckled, a wheel was twisted and steam came out of his engine. Offence being the best form of self defence I was out of my car like a shot berating this idiot for his careless driving. I noticed that the Jaguar, built like a Centurion tank, had sustained a small dent, more like a stone chip, that was it. The other driver was frankly feeble in his protestations and certainly no match for my indignation. A crowd gathered. I noticed that my hubcap had rolled off down the road. A child had gone after it. Keen not to be robbed as well as crashed into I pursued the child, only to find that he had gone to collect the cap and bring it back to me. After some to and fro and not happy with the way the discussion was going vis a vis blame, on account of the fact that the other driver seemed to be indicating that he wasn't expecting me to be coming from the direction in which I had, I insisted that the Police be called. It was then that I noticed one of these 'Senso Unico' signs facing up the street whence I had come. A hasty change of plan and details were exchanged promptly with apologies and assurances that this would be dealt with by the insurance companies. I don't know if his car was driveable but I purred off in leather clad luxury. At least I now know the Italian for 'one way.' I have not been back.

Duncan

2009-04-20T12:40:00.002+01:00

Sunday 19th April, 2009

Wassup ? - as they don't say when you reach my age. Well there are the talks - Boating Capers and Just a Sharp Scratch which are going down well. I was concerned to make sure that Sharp Scratch was not a gloomy affair and now it is just one gag after the next. There is the writing of articles for Sailing Today. June issue will have Pile Mooring and July will have Sailing onto a Mooring. I am working on Sail Trim for August, 'How to get the best speed out of your Sails.' I used to work on the fairly sound principle, well fairly sound for me, that every tweak of the sails in an attempt to increase speed would result in a loss of half a knot on the log (nautical for speedo). Guaranteed. Now, it either doesn't make a difference or indeed we do go a bit quicker.

Saturday saw me in Littlehampton just because that is where the tide was taking me. I met an aunt and uncle and was entertained most wonderfully. It was to see them that I went as far East as Littlehampton. As for a place to overnight, with the wind from the North there was a great deal of lapping water about my stern which was very noisy indeed. I decamped from my customary aft cabin to the forecabin. Rafted up as number 3 and charged £20 for the privelege - I suppose electricity was available, although slinging the cable 50 feet to the shore would have been a faff - it did seem to be pricey. And none too welcoming either.

Now a word about daughter No 2, the eleven year old Ellie. She has always had a habit of writing English essays that are so off the wall as to make Lewis Carroll seem quite normal. I have told her that to keep the reader with her she does have to give them the odd snippet to which they can relate. Her imagination is nothing if not exotic. Bizarre some might say. I think she is trying the patience of her English teacher as I noticed a certain testiness in her end of term report. Then I heard this story which says it all really. The English master had set the class the task of an essay. “What I did in the holidays.” Fairly straight forward one would imagine. After a moment Ellie put her hand up.
“Yes, Ellie ?”
“Sir, how do you spell Nazi ?”
“Oh for goodness sake Ellie, couldn't you just write something normal ?”

Duncan

Sunday 5th April, 2009 -1800

Three years to the minute since the accident. And we have come a long way. So thank you to everyone of our friends and family who gave such tremendous support, both to me and to Sally and the girls.

Duncan

Saturday 4th April, 2009

I thought you might be interested to know that I am now writing the Seamanship Articles for Sailing Today. We start this month (May issue) with Springing On. The philosophy behind the articles is 'Plain Sailing' - taking the drama out of the crisis with a few handy hints. We are working on the assumption that the confident boater is a happy boater. Someone has already written to the editor saying how much they enjoyed the article and how useful it was, which is extremely handy for me. The reader writes;
"For me casting off and re-berthing tend to consist of an embarrassing display of arms, legs, ropes, boat-hooks, shouting ad general chaos. And yesterday I had to put my boat back into the water without assistance from the crew. A daunting prospect which accounted for the increase in alcohol consumption over the past few weeks. What a coincidence and good fortune when on the night before the impending doom, the May edition of Sailing Today dropped through my letterbox.
Read Duncan's article, read it again, made up the recommended mooring loop and went straight into it yesterday for real with no chance of rehearsal.
Perfect !... No problem with either casting off astern or re-berthing solo. Such a relief and what a confidence booster.
The article explained how to do it very simply and very clearly and it works.
Thank you...."
The magazine also has a second hand review on the Hallberg Rassy 352 and features my treasured Dorothy Lee. Talking about boats, I would very much like to write some of these articles featuring different types of boat and so if you have a boat that you would like to have featured - no financial reward I am afraid but you will get some nice professional photo's taken on board and from a RIB which will look lovely - then please let me know. One of the articles will be called "Going Backwards" and we will be looking at how different keel shapes and prop drives behave when going astern. I will be having some really ace boat drivers help me and so it could be a tremendous lesson for anyone with a boat that is a bit wayward - we like to call it 'mis-understood' - after all no boat is wayward, they all do the same thing for the same conditions every time, it's just not always what we may want them to do. It will certainly be a great experience for me as I discover how to work with Dorothy Lee in the astern area ! We are looking for long keelers, medium fin and skeg, short fin and spade and bilge keelers, shaft drive and sail drive - all with or without bow thrusters. Next month's Seamanship article will be on Pile Mooring, then Sailing onto a Mooring, Sail Trim, Rigs, Anchoring With Confidence etc.

Sorry it is all a bit 'boatey.'

Duncan

Tuesday 24th February, 2009

David's funeral will be on Wednesday 4th March at the Chilterns Crematorium, Whielden Lane, Amersham, Bucks.
HP7 0ND at 3.15pm.

Duncan

Thursday 19th February, 2009

David Speed died of a Coronary Artery Thrombosis due to Arthurosclerosis. Lifestyle, according to the pathologist. His arteries were 90% furred up and he had already had a heart attack some time recently which he probably wouldn't have actually noticed. I am told that furred up arteries have to do with smoking and cholesterol. So we all know what we need to do if we are to try and eke out a few extra months. On the other hand do we want to eke out any more time. We know this life is no rehearsal so perhaps we should just get on and enjoy it.

I shall post details of the funeral on this site once I have them.

Duncan

2009-02-24T13:06:00.001Z

Thursday 19th February, 2009

David Speed died of a Coronary Artery Thrombosis due to Arthurosclerosis. Lifestyle, according to the pathologist. His arteries were 90% furred up and he had already had a heart attack some time recently which he probably wouldn't have actually noticed. I am told that furred up arteries have to do with smoking and cholesterol. So we all know what we need to do if we are to try and eke out a few extra months. On the other hand do we want to eke out any more time. We know this life is no rehearsal so perhaps we should just get on and enjoy it.

I shall post details of the funeral on this site once I have them.

Duncan

Wednesday 18th February, 2009

David's partner Jules is a Jules as opposed to a Jools, in case anyone would like to know. Not that Jules has ever said that she is concerned but I have been asked by a couple of people who want to make sure they get it right when sending cards and so forth.

Talking of getting it right, I have been getting it wrong. I unfailingly give Sally, a box of Ferrer Roches chocolates on every Birthday, Christmas, Mother's day and Valentine's. She always gets a proper present but the chocs are part of the deal. Or rather they used to be. After 12 years she announced the other day that she didn't like the Ferrer Roches chocs, and never has. And that she always gives them to the kids. I knew the kids always ended up eating them and I was always furious that she should let them overwhelm her so and steal her special chocolates. So, I have been told.

Duncan

Tuesday 17th February, 2009

It is a sad day. The man who was my friend, who took over my life without question when I had my accident, who gave to me and my family unconditional love and support and who set up this website so that friends could monitor my progress, has died. It is believed he had a severe heart attack early this morning. I hope it was sudden and that he did not suffer in pain. It is a terrible shock for all of us but the shock and trauma for Jules must be enormous.

This site was used by David to encourage people to pray when I was going through the dark days and I would ask that you say a prayer to your God or spirit for David and for Jules and for the family to help them at this time. David Speed was one of life's characters. He was the most extraordinary friend to me. I am very sad that he will no longer be with us.

Duncan

2009-02-07T23:34:00.003Z

I had sailed to Yarmouth, the tides dictating the direction. The wind had been good. I had ‘heaved to’ on port for lunch about a mile from a Customs cutter and Dorothy Lee had remained reasonably stationary, fore reaching at about 0.5 to 1 knot which with the tide now against us meant that we were heading back to Swanwick at about 1 to 1.5 knots. After lunch I released the backed headsail and resumed our course. Nearing Yarmouth I thought better of overnighting there. I would be pinned onto the pontoon and would naturally have to face the diffidence that is the Yarmouth welcome and so I went about and headed back to Swanwick which would now be 3 to 4 hours away. At which point a rib with 6 heavily head-geared men roared past. They weren’t RNLI but they looked very official. Officious they turned out to be for they were from the Customs cutter. They came up to my boat in a very threatening manner. They gestured something to me which I failed to understand. Did they want me to stop ? I was sailing, what would they like ? I could have heaved to, as it was I carried on and their helm simply drove his rib into me, nurfing me on the quarter. It was a shabby rib with the black adhesive lettering for HM Customs, flapping and falling off the sponsoons. I was concerned that it would make nasty black marks down my topsides which would need polishing out. As a boat it was a disgrace but then I suppose they are not seamen just tax collectors. Their helm smirked a lot. A man in the bows attempted to speak to me. It was reasonably windy and the noise of their outboard didn’t help. I had to ask him to repeat each question. He was actually reasonably polite considering he was asking impertinent questions. Perhaps he was polite because he knew he was asking inpertinent questions. Still I don’t suppose you catch criminals unless you ask a few questions. I was tempted to suggest that for the amount of tax I have paid they could at least afford a rather smarter rib but naturally I only thought of that after they had left and as a law abiding citizen I answered their questions honestly. “Where had I come from...where was I going ?” Back there, actually. “Was this my yacht ?” Yes this is my boat. “How long have you owned it ?” Actually if I had been a criminal I would have told them to “Sod Off !” and they would have Sodded Off. Still the man who asked the questions did his best in the circumstances and I have never gone out of my way to be rude, especially as a chap and his workmates was out on this very cold day going about his business. Actually he had an excuse, he was being paid, what was my excuse ? The helsman continued to smirk. It was only when I turned back to the business of sailing my boat that I noticed that he had pushed me well off the wind and well off course. He is the sort of bastard who enjoys his job intimidating people, unlike the man in the bows of the rib who was considerate. If I had any drugs on board I would have injected, sniffed, smoked the lot there and then.

D

2009-02-07T22:26:00.002Z

I went for the CT scan and met my old friend GE Light. In fact I saw my other mate, a bloke called Siemens – he does the x-rays. I also saw the man in charge of the department and he commented that I had put on a lot of weight. Well of course the last time he saw me I was doing a passable impression of Ghandi. Are we allowed to say that these days when the thought police are taking us to task for every opinion expressed, however valid ? Clarkson should have told them to stuff it. He should never have apologised, after all of the four ‘apparently offensive’ words, “one eyed Scottish idiot”, 75% of them were factually correct and the word ‘idiot’ was Clarkson’s opinion. And Clarkson is not alone, Sarkozy – what a beautiful wife – has also said that Brown is making a right royal cock up of handling the economic crisis and how 2.5% off VAT will make no difference to the economy. Sarkozy is right and it hasn’t. Actually it has, it has cost companies extra money which has made them worse off. Well done Brown – idiot ! Clarkson should have stood his ground and then ITV would have snapped him up for 10 times what the BBC pay him.

GE Light told me to hold my breath. A distant and metallic voice who I know to be the very nice man who operates the CT machine had already warned me that this breath holding would be for quite a long time. The machine counted the seconds away for me, most helpful – only 25 seconds actually, not an especially big deal for a voiceover as we have quite reasonable breath control. Actually my friend the CT man had already had some problem finding a vein in my arm because despite drinking a vat of contrast flavoured with lemon squash I required further some extra directly into my vein. He reminded me what he had told many times in the past, that I would feel warm and possibly might feel the need to go to have a pee. As I was already busting because of the jug of liquid I had been given to drink, I was a little alarmed. But actually I didn’t lose control and I didn’t feel warm either, probably because I am as fit as a fiddle. I was very unwell when I had my previous scans. There is a girl who greets you at CT and gives you your jug. And very nice she is to. Imagine having to explain what your job entails. “I hand out the drinks. I tell them it tastes foul and offer to flavour it with lemon squash. Interestingly they all go for this. I have never come across anyone who takes it neat.”

I would make a hopeless drug addict as it is still impossible to raise a vein. I thought I was bad at providing a decent vein when I was in hospital because I had given so much blood and been stabbed so many times. No, it just seems that this is me, reluctant to give any blood or to accept a needle in any vein. Quite right, I don’t like being fiddled with, I don’t like massages or any of that fuss. Now I wait for the surgeons to send me an appointment to find out if they can go in without problems. In the meantime the herniations increase in size, albeit slowly.

Chemring who make the Pains Wessex flares have posted a 16% increase in profits despite the economic climate. I thought this should not go without mention and wrote to their chief executive. Needless to say he has not had the courtesy to reply. Pathetic coward ! And no I won’t resign from anything over expressing my opinion. Bet you wish you were as brave as me ‘Jezzah ?’ Mind you I am not gambling with a £2 million career. The letter went like this…

“Congratulations on increasing your pre tax profits by 16%. Well done. But while you are cracking out the champagne and basking in the euphoria of success I would ask you to spare a moment for the occasions when your well intentioned product does not 'do what it says on the tin'. I am referring to the chap who was shot by a faulty Pains Wessex Mk 7 white handheld collision warning flare. I am he. And I can assure you that your slogan "Designed to get you noticed" is not wrong. I was noticed all right. You get quite a bit of notice when a flare burns inside you at 3,000° Celsius for the advertised 60 seconds. You spend 9 months in hospital, 4 of them in ITU and 6 weeks in a coma. The surgeons noticed as they threw away my spleen and my large bowel, gave me a stoma and re constructed my shattered right hand - they couldn't find the tip of the middle finger so had to amputate to the distal joint. And they continued to notice me as they gave me 20 laperotomy operations over the 9 months in an attempt to rejoin the various sections of my shortened, small bowel which had been devastated by the heat and chemicals from the flare.

Now I know accidents do happen. Unfortunately this flare was hand packed and someone at Pains Wessex underfilled the canister which made it into a lethal grenade, as opposed to a safety device and I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Life is like that. And it is probably churlish of me to mention the incident and possibly spoil your fun. I really do apologise for taking the fizz out of your champagne.

By the way if you ever gain comfort from your professional indemnity insurance and feel that you have done your duty to the public, think again because the Zurich Insurance company with whom your were insured at the time of my accident are quite the most aggressive, confrontational and unpleasant bunch of people I have ever come across. The same goes for their lawyers, Weightmans.

Your company had written us a very kind letter of apology about the accident and assured us that you would do everything in your power to help. And I am sure that you did. However as you would not be paying for the rehabilitation and damages, it fell to the Zurich to handle the matter and they blocked us at every turn. We didn't ask for much and were genuine in our needs but the Zurich were absolutely appalling in their behaviour. They even sent in doctors unannounced to the hospital where I was being kept and then later when I was discharged to be nursed at home, a doctor who had come from Manchester made an unscheduled appearance on the doorstep. In the end we settled with them because having been through such a shattering experience we were not in a fit position to fight. To be able to take on a major legal case you need to be strong and compus mentis. I had just survived an un-survivable injury, according to the doctors.

In fact it looks very much as though we should have fought them because I now have herniations which may very well prove impossible to rectify and the prognosis with future surgery does not look good. The operations will be many, the stay in hospital will be lengthy and overall we may not be successful.

Anyway, you had better get back to the party. Congratulations on the commercial success and well done for making a profit in such a tough market.”

In the meantime I am getting on with the Seamanship/Masterclass articles for Sailing Today, the book of “Just a Sharp Scratch”, the talks and after dinner speaking, and the book 'Plain Sailing – what every Cruising sailor really needs to know”.

D

2009-01-22T09:52:00.003Z

22nd January, 2009

As you can see I have updated this weblog from the original www.anps.co.uk/Duncan site. So although all the dates say that the posts were made on 22nd Jan 2009, they relate to posts from September 2008 to the present.

Duncan

2009-01-22T09:51:00.001Z

14th January, 2009

A visit to the surgeon to discuss my various herniations resulted in being seen first by a very nice, and new to me, registrar who knew all about me as he had studied my case history and had helped to write up the case notes with the previous registrar who had been hands on, so to speak at the time. My concern is whether or not the hole in the gauze cum false skin I have on my abdomen, through which the bowel is protruding or herniating, will get any bigger. I am assured that it will. Can anything be done about this ? Or should we be doing anything ? Or indeed should we leave it alone ? Yes, probably not and probably are the answers. The problem is that going back into the abdomen is fraught with difficulty. It all stems from the fact that according to the consultant and registrar I survived an un-survivable accident and that the surgery carried out on me was by and large trauma based, stop-gap work. This was not exactly how it was put but that was the essence of it. Isn't it always the case that you are told things in the consulting room which disappear from the mind the minute you come out ? I should know by now to concentrate more carefully on what is being said, or perhaps to take in a recorder. Mind you it is hard to absorb things when you are lying down. Anyway, the tissue inside me is still as hard as concrete. The consultant had hoped that it might have softened but it has not. Being so hard it is practically impossible to work with. Then there is the question of entering the abdomen without puncturing the bowel, almost certainly impossible to achieve, so one would be facing fistulas. Then there is the question of separating or peeling the bowel away from the layer of skin over the abdomen. Tricky. Putting a mesh over the herniation at the flare entry point was seen as possible as the skin is not attached to the bowel, although entry to this area would have to come from the front of the abdomen with all the attendant problems I have just described. So let's do nothing, see what happens and take things as they come. In the meantime a CT scan which has been booked will tell us more about the concrete tissue issue and the bowel. On the plus side small herniations tend to trap bowel and cause blockages which is problematic. Larger herniations do not. And I am in the larger camp. Then there is the question of the state of the skin which was grafted onto my abdomen. There is the possibility that this can break down in certain circumstances and that is less than handy. The consultant said "We will definitely be seeing you at some stage." Nothing will happen without them having as clear a picture of what is going on inside as possible and without the operation being absolutely imperative. Understanding that the hernia at the front of my abdomen will get bigger, as I suspected it would, is fine, I just hope it takes its time about it. I left the consulting room with the words “enjoy your life” ringing in my ears. Now this could have been meant in a “have a nice day” manner or it could have been more sinister. I am wondering if I should have a look at life and treat it in a rather more relaxed fashion than I do. After hospital I was hell bent on returning to normal life, to the rat race and the rut and providing for my family and picking up the cudgels of all the challenges I had been facing prior to the accident. To this end all the grand ideas about how we would change our lives, live in Italy or Cyprus, that we had nurtured while in hospital to try and see us through to the other side were thrown out of the window. Perhaps we should re-visit them ? Sally has always been of the view that “you can't take it with you”. I have always countered with “but you wouldn't want it to run out before you went”. So, perhaps a change is on the cards ? Fistulas are a pain and could mean a lengthy stay in hospital, I suspect but as and when any operation happens I will be fit, strong and well able to handle the tribulations unlike last time when I was half dead. We'll play it by ear then and take it one day at a time, said he slipping into the world of the cliche but I am sure that any operation will be some time off, well I hope so anyway.

Incidently Katie will be joining the world of the abbreviation when she starts with the Paramedics at the end of this month, beginning with ABC of course, Airway, Breathing, Circulation. There will be RTA's, DOA's, OD's CPR's, ECG's, Pulmofarcs, fibs, de-fibs and trachys to name but a few, or rather not to name but to initialise and acronymise...and then of course there is DEAD which stands for, er, well dead, actually.

Duncan

2009-01-22T09:50:00.001Z

9th January, 2009

Happy New Year. And let's hope this year is an improvement on last year.

We've all been beetling away as ever.

Katie is about to start her Paramedic training. Yippee. At last, a career ! She gained her C1 licence to drive a 7 ton truck or some such, a couple of weeks ago. Us oldies automatically have a C1 licence but anyone taking their driving test after 1997 doesn't get it. It's just the government's way of getting extra money out of us - these stealth taxes - and creating jobs, nightmare. Then when Katie had passed the DVLA C1 test, she had to pass the NHS ambulance driving test which she did. She will make an excellent Paramedic and she's certainly going to experience far more harsh reality than I would ever care to see.

Ellie is now in her second term flexi-boarding at Queen Anne's. As far as Ellie is concerned the jury is still out on the matter. As far as we are concerned she's got seven years.

I have made inroads into the WI and am starting to give talks at the various meetings. I have 3 federation auditions in the next two months which should open up another number of meetings and talks opportunities, then there are my talks for the Sailing Clubs which are going down well. I am also moving into the after dinner speaker and motivational talks business. I spoke at the Draeger (they make ventilators) annual sales conference and there are other corporate engagements lined up. I hope to do something with Hollister (stoma supplies) but I am not sure what.

I am writing...and writing...and writing. There are the books and articles `Just a Sharp Scratch', Sailing Material, articles for Tidings the CA magazine and the Margaret McEwen story and International Help For Children and of course the talks which now run to Just a Sharp Scratch; Boating Capers - bringing Dorothy Lee back from Brittany to the Hamble; The Life of a Voiceover; Handy Hints - boating tips, featuring the value of the spring and close quarter boat handling and the Margaret McEwen story...watch this space, much happening.

We have now given Wexham Park £54,586 and there will be a little more to come once we have got some Gift Aid on a couple of cheques that came in late.

I went to ITU the other day to record two of the alarm sounds that were so much a part of my life. I must be the only person with a Draeger Evita alarm sound for my voicemail ring tone and an ITU computer alarm sound for my message ring tone. We recorded the Draeger in one of the isolation rooms. We then wanted to record the alarm sound of the computer that monitors all the functions. This is very emotive for me. So we were shown to a bed space run by one of my favourite nurses and where the partient was on a ventilator. We were told he was asleep. How did they know, he looked extremely out of it to me. The nurse flicked a few switches which made the alarm go off. I was slightly concerned in case anything should happen and said, "Please don't kill him on our account.". Naturally the nurse wasn't doing anything that might affect her patient and I was just trying to get in a cheap crack. Worked though, Alan who was with me laughed. I don't think anyone else heard. Sally of course thinks I am mad. Well I probably am.

Duncan

2009-01-22T09:49:00.001Z

17th December

I arrived back after the last person had left. Clinic over. Finished. It had been a good day, Sally said. Plenty of banter. Lot's of laughs. Some good news and some not so good. Someone had brought a delicious carrot cake, another had brought a card, newspaper cuttings, articles of interest. Sally had laid on the usual array of Bridge Rolls, egg mayonnaise, tuna, ham. Why are Bridge Rolls so addictive ? There were some left over. I dug into them.

Later that night Sally and I talked about the clinic, what it meant to the people who had come, what it meant to us. Three times a year they come, more or less the same faces. Some of course pass on and they are replaced by new people. And some don't come any more because they don't need to. Mrs. Davey who was down for cataracts found that her sight improved and no longer needs any help. Some come because not to come might mean a recurrence of the problem. Marina doesn't get migraines if she comes. She does if she doesn't. So she comes. Richard should have been here today but he was back in hospital. A couple of others couldn't make it because they were too ill.

We had come across Michael Chapman when my great friend Christopher was at the end of his fight with cancer of the oesophagus. The cancer had gone to his liver by then. I found out then what `liverish' meant, first hand. Another friend had heard about a father and son team who treated a great many people and who had apparently had successes. An example of a woman with a tumour was cited. Once the tumour had been found the lady was told by the doctors to come back in a month for chemo therapy. She decided that there might be another way of tackling the problem and went to see George Chapman, a well known psychic surgeon who took on the persona of William Lang an opthalmic surgeon from the early 20th century. George's son Michael was a faith healer who worked with his father and took on the persona of William's son, Basil. The lady went to George on a regular basis for the month and then returned to her doctor. When he inspected her he was unable to find the tumour and concluded that it had disappeared, healed itself..

This was the sort of miracle that we required for Christopher so being too ill for the five hour drive into the depths of Wales where the Chapmans were based, a friend organised a helicopter airlift for Christopher. I saw Christopher when he returned that night and he seemed different. It didn't work for him however and he died a fortnight later but the connection with the Chapmans was made. So when, a year later my mother in law, Theresa, was diagnosed with cancer of the colon and she was launched upon the standard course of NHS treatment - radio therapy, chemo therapy and surgery - I suggested to her that the `alternative' Chapman option might be worth looking at. Taken in conjunction with conventional treatment it could do no harm. It is a brave person who when diagnosed with cancer by the NHS will turn their back on the system and head off for alternative therapies. Desperation of course fuels the need to seek alternatives and I certainly know that Chistopher became involved in all sorts of what I would describe as `quackery' which will have done nothing more than increase his vitamin C level at best, I would imagine. Some of the concoctions, weeds, and grasses are truly disgusting to taste. I know I tried them all. And Theresa tried them, too. And the NHS system being what it is a patient is quite often swept off their feet and racing down the burn poison and slash path before they know what's hit them. All well intentioned of course.

So Theresa went to see George Chapman who was in his mid 80's at the time. George rarely left Wales but Michael travelled the country holding clinics. And Theresa caught up with Michael at a number of these. Theresa and her daughter Sally would come back and tell me about these. Clinics are held in private houses. There is no fee to see Michael. And a session with Michael which should be 15 minutes is always longer. As far as Michael is concerned he will spend as long as it takes which means the clinic always runs late but of course no one minds. We put up a sign which just says '£25'. If you can afford it, then a contribtution to Michael of £25 for your session would be gratefully receivd. If you can't afford it, then it is perfectly acceptable to pay nothing, or to pay that which you can afford. Two Indian ladies came to our house once and at the end handed Sally £10. That is all they could afford. They had taken a taxi to come to our house and had to rush back before their husbands found out what they had been up to and where their spending money for the day had gone ! £10 was gratefully received. Nobody abuses the system.

I have always been fairly sceptical about faith healing and have felt that it is probably rife with fraudsters which is why I wholly subscribe to the Chapmans. George died a couple of years ago but Michael carries on the good work. Michael and George went out of their way to help Theresa and there was no financial advantage for them to do this. And the comfort, warmth and support that Michael gave meant so much to her. He also came to see me in hospital when I had my accident. And over the years I have had healing from Michael. Now I am not for one minute going to tell you what I think is going on between a God or a spirit and Michael and the patient because I have no idea. I think of it as Michael inspiring confidence within us and our own bodies healing themselves. It doesn't really matter what is actually going on, if people get better or feel better or are able to handle their illnesses better then this is a benefit. And the wonderful thing about hosting a clinic three times a year is the social nature of the event. Everyone has come to see Michael of course but they've also come to see Sally catch up with everyone's news. Patients often stay for hours and hours chatting to one another and making it a real day out. And we have all become great friends. And that friendship and support that everyone gives and is given must be beneficial in helping them to come to terms with their illness or indeed in helping them to overcome it.

I took a call from a patient the other day to say that their son wouldn't be coming to the clinic on Sunday. I thanked them for calling and passed this on to Sally. She told me that this was the mother of the tragic baby who'd been born with a tumour. His parents had brought him to the last clinic and it was all terribly sad. Now, the baby had died. That makes it all very personal. There was another young boy, a very brave boy who had something dreadfully wrong with him. I never found out what but I notice that he doesn't come any more. I hope that doesn't mean what I think it does.

I greeted the first patient to arrive on Sunday and she said to me “Did you stay here overnight ?”

“Yes, I did”, I replied. “I often stay here overnight. I live here”

“Oh, I thought you were Michael,” she said “You look so, alike”. Actually I look nothing like Michael. He has a beard and longer hair than me and he always wears a suit and tie, whereas I have an open neck shirt and casual trousers. I didn't say anything of this to the lady but I was relieved to discover that she had come to see Michael about her eyes which were failing her.

Sally already has a practically full list of appointments for Michael's next visit and we look forward to seeing all these lovely people next time. And Michael of course.

Duncan

2009-01-22T09:48:00.000Z

2nd December

There is much to tell and I have been woefully lax in not updating the site.

I have just been conversing with a brilliant chap called Bob Cooper who has written a very funny book called On The Nose. It's the ideal Christmas present for anyone so buy a copy at www.amazon.co.uk On The Nose by Bob Cooper.

I am in the process of updating my voiceover website at www.duncanwells.com and I have now started giving after dinner speeches and motivational talks. I am speaking at the Draeger (Ventilators) Sales Conference among other engagements and am looking at a tie up with Hollister (Stoma Products). I am writing for Tidings (The Colostomy Association magazine) and will probably do something for them at their Annual meeting.

I have a reasonably positive approach to what has happened to me and it seems that I might be able to encourage others to feel better about themselves or to come to terms with things. It's no good denying what has happened to me and as one has to live with it one might as well do something for others. So for funny articles on how to handle being an ostomate, read Tidings Magazine.

We just completed a 7 week course for a couple of shore based day skippers and had great fun. There will be courses for Day Skipper and Yachtmaster shore based running from January 2009 at our centre at BCUC in Chalfont St. Giles. A visit to www.westviewsailing.co.uk will reveal all.

The book is coming along. Just a Sharp Scratch is the provisional title. This is also the title of the motivational talks which are tailored to each event depending upon whether the organisers want a sailing angle or a medical angle. I am also now on the Women's Institute talks circuit and have bookings for the new year. The talks and the book are funny. It is a pretty heavy subject but judging from the audience reaction and the laughter, I get the balance right between serious fact and funny. There is a good deal of observational detail in the book about the interaction between patient and system. After all 9 months in hospital puts a major strain on both sides. Doctors have asked me to write the book in order to get the picture from the patient's point of view. I hope I am able to do this objectively. Certainly waiting until some time has passed and I have become more or less fully rehabilitated is a good idea. Too close to the event and I think I would have been too subjective.

Toodle Pip !

Duncan

2009-01-22T09:31:00.002Z

4th October

I felt rather proud to have been awarded "Father of the year" by 'She who must etc...' the other day...

It was only when I looked at her face that I realised, this accolade came with large dollops of sarcasm. It concerned a child, naturally. Junior daughter Ellie to be precise and her new school, Queen Anne's Caversham. To say that Ellie is boarding is not entirely accurate. She is flexi-boarding which seems to be a matter of running two abodes and getting parents to drive hundreds of miles every week. I am looking forward to a more permanent arrangement where Caversham features more prominently. That is not to say that I am not delighted to see Ellie on every occasion when she returns to the house, which is approximately every 48 hours but I am sure that my welcome will become the more generous the longer the period of separation. Of course it is remarks like this that will have earned me my award.

Nonetheless Ellie is getting along well. It is a big move to go from a local school to the secondary school and to be away from home.

Much has happened and I have been lax in the reporting of it.

We are about to close the Wexham Park Ventilator account and hand the remaining money to the hospital. They will have received £54,000 in total. Of course if you want to help us make this a round figure, like £55,000 then please divvy up now. It would be a shame for anyone who wanted to donate to miss the boat because we had closed the account.

There will be more.

Oh yes, anyone fancy sponsoring me for the OSTAR ? Just a thought.

Duncan

2008-08-21T13:31:00.002+01:00

Ellie’s 11th Birthday. She is very excited and says she has a ‘cool’ tartan dress.

I have just returned from Wexham Park where I hand delivered a cheque for £49,290. There is further money to come from the gift aid and this will be handed over as soon as we get it for Her Maj’s R and C.

What I didn’t know and what makes all the difference for me, is that the Oxylog 3000 transporter ventilators are not just to be used in ambulances. They are to be used to move patients within the hospital as well. In the past it was not easy to take someone on a static ventilator for a CT. One way was to use a bag with a doctor squeezing it to regulate the air but this is arduous if the squeezing has to be kept up for any length of time and it uses more people. Now with the 3 Oxylogs they can whip people all over the shop for CT scans, X- rays, cardio inspections, all sorts. So these ventilators mean that ITU can improve the level of care they give their patients. Bloody marvelous ! And well done to everyone who gave.

I thought you’d want to know.

Duncan

2008-08-13T19:33:00.001+01:00

11th August

The great day. The handing over of the BIG cheque, you know the 4 foot by 2 foot jobby that you see on Telethons and so forth.

Wexham Park had laid on a fabulous presentation. Everyone was there, all the surgeons, doctors, half of the ITU nursing staff (the other half were nursing the sick in ITU and swapped over at half time). It was a wonderful closure to the whole episode. And we were able to present a cheque for £50,000, much in excess of our original target and all of it allocated to the 4 machines that ITU will now buy. The Draeger Evita XL ventilator with pendant fitting to be positioned over a bed space in ITU and then 3 Oxylog 3000 transportable ventilators to go in ambulances when ITU need to move their patients to other hospitals for specialist treatment.

All the local press were present and we had persuaded London Tonight to come along and do a piece. It appeared on the 6.30 news and again at 10,30 and was a terrific piece in most respects. I had supplied them with material that we had shot on the day back in April 2006 and asked them not use the shot of the accident or the aftermath. There was plenty of good stuff showing flares alight and the deploying of them. Unfortunately for one reason or another they used the footage. I should have known better. I had handed the 'Sweet Jar' to them and they couldn't resist. So the piece is more harrowing for family than it needed to be and what was supposed to be our final act, the closure, was in rather ruined for us. Has someone got something against me - the accident, the torrid fight with the insurance company and now this ? London Tonight have apologised - easy really when you have got what you want and you want to avoid a complaint to Offcom or worse - and to their credit they have made a small donation to the ventilator fund. Apparently they are not a rich TV company. Yeah, yeah and I am told that the Queen is a bit strapped for cash. Anyway to have got a 'sorry' out them was pretty good going. The piece, nonetheless, is very good so everyone tells me. And in case you missed it I believe that one can still see it on the London Tonight website at;

http://www.itvlocal.com/london/news/?void=222322

It was all Sally's idea and what a good idea it was !

Thank you so much to all those indicuduals from around the world who gave so generously. Some of the indidual sums were enormous. And thank you to the Friends of Maltman's Green who gave the proceeds from the Summer Ball which went way over expectations. Thank you to Chiltern Shakespeare Company for giving us the proceeds from A Midsummer Night's Dream. Thank you to the Lions for the proceeds from the parking at the Dream show. Thank you to Michael Vivien and Julie Berry for putting on a Breath of Fresh Air, or 'Last Gasp' as I liked to call it. And finally thank you to Sally for unending support.

Wexham Park suggested that we might name the ventilator. I think they were thinking of a park bench style dedication. But Ellie piped up and in her ever original manner of naming stuffed toys, Giraffey, Lioney, Rabbitty, etc, suggested 'Venty'.

I think we will say "Thanks for saving Duncan's life. Sally MacDougall".

Duncan

2008-08-08T15:15:00.000+01:00

The pudding took quite a while. When it did arrive the waiter said,

“Chef apologizes but one of the Apple Tartine’s is slightly over-caramelised”.

By which he meant ‘burnt’.

“Not to worry”, said I “when it comes to the bill you will find that payment will be slightly under-capitalised”.

By which I meant ‘short’.

Duncan

2008-07-22T16:36:00.008+01:00

I was a waver, now I just waver

I have always waved at fellow boaters. From day one out on the water. Even during my Day Skipper practical on a motor boat, a lovely Nelson Weymouth 42. The instructor applauded my sense of cheer but suggested that while I might get acknowledgement from other motor boaters it was probably not worth waving at sailors as “they don’t like us, generally and they probably won’t wave back”. Never one to admit defeat I have waved at sailors and motor boaters alike, ever since. Most of the time I will be sailing my boat or instructing on other yachts and occasionally I will be on a motor boat.

There is no question that being on a sailing boat elicits a more favourable response. A Hallberg Rassy 352 such as mine is the ideal boat from which to wave. The motor boaters I wave at are perhaps surprised to see me waving in a friendly manner as opposed to telling them off for some misdemeanor. I reckon you can guarantee to get a return wave if you as a sailing boat wave at a motor boat. Not so when waving at sailing boats. The ignorance and bad manners that a good many of the sailing fraternity are showing to all and sundry is alarming. Of course waving at racers as they make their way to and from the course is likely to be met with a snub. Whenever I see shorts, Oakleys and testosterone together I keep my hand in my pocket. One is best advised just to keep out of their way.

I used to wave at the gentle looking couples in their Vancouver or Rival or Nicholson but have been ignored so often that I no longer bother. I nstead I have taken to pallying up to the Bavarias. A rather rough and ready lot they may be but they are at least friendly.

Returning to the Hamble from Osbourne Bay earlier this week on a Sunseeker Camargue 50 we had tucked in close to Bald Head Starboard Marker and so were out of the way of anyone approaching the Hamble entrance. We had been running at 35 knots and as we came abreast the Hamble Point South Cardinal some 100 metres to our West we slowed to 20 knots. We were lined up to enter the Hamble River entrance and there was still a further 350 metres to go until the first of the Starboard Hand Marker posts. Sailing in a SE direction just inside and to the East of the cardinal were two people in a Wayfarer dinghy. I waved at them. No response. I then waved again. This time they pointed to the stern of our boat and presumably the wash. It looked as though they were telling us off for having wash. In fact the wash had subsided by the time it reached them some 100 metres away But I thought how unnecessary it was to complain like this. The Solent is a busy waterway and if you take your 15 foot dinghy out into it you are going to meet with all sorts of lumpy sea, swell and wash. There was nowhere else for our boat to go, we were slowing down in preparation for the entrance to the Hamble. The 6 knot limit sign was over half a mile distant and yet these people complained. How selfish, I thought. What a disgrace. They couldn’t know that the skipper of the motor yacht is the most considerate motor boat skipper I have ever met who would be mortified if he let his wash disturb any sort of sailing vessel. God help the Wayfarer people if they ever meet the Red jet. But it is that sort of discourteous behaviour, petty and selfish which is giving sailors a bad name.

If they are not prepared to take the rough with the smooth dinghy sailors should not venture out into Southampton Water. You don’t suppose that Ned Lloyd’s Shanghai Express is going to reduce its tsunami like wake for them by slowing down ? It can’t it would lose steerage if it went too slowly.

So I am adopting a new policy. I will only wave if waved at and where once I was a waver now I just waver. If you have a view about the manners shown by either side in the endless debate between sailors and motor boaters, please let me know.

In response to my request to be enlightened about the Brigton Gay Men's Choir, I have indeed been enlightened and most eloquent and rational and persuasive this enlightment has been.

Duncan

2008-07-21T10:30:00.008+01:00

Bright and Gay Men's Choir

Tell me, am I wrong ? But does it not offend one’s sensibilities to have a group of singers calling themselves The Brighton Gay Men's Choir presented to us on prime time TV ? Last Choir Standing on Saturday had exactly that, a bunch of bald boutique bearded bum bandits singing and not very well at that. Why is it necessary for them to declare their sexual preference ? I don’t introduce myself as Duncan Wells – heterosexual.

At least they looked squeaky clean which given their predilection was a blessing. Still they were kicked out of the competition and put back in the closet where they belong thank goodness. Homophobic me ? I just, well, you know. It was Clarkson who wrote... 'whenever I meet a homosexual I can't help but stare at their bottom and wonder' ...

Perhaps I misread the name. Was it actually the “Bright And Gay” Men's Choir. I note that I have apostrophised the Men's. I am not sure that this is how they spell their name, alas.

I am not the only one who is finding this homosexuality thing hard to handle, the Anglican Bishops seem to be having their fill of it too.

Do tell me if I have got it all wrong though.

Duncan

2008-07-14T11:51:00.004+01:00

The New Hair Cut

I usually exit the barbers sporting something in the style of the Crested Grebe which gives me an appearance of permanent surprise.

Today, however was different. There was no wait. There was a spare seat and a spare girl. She asked me what I wanted. I wasn’t sure, a trim ? And while this would have satisfied the average hair dresser it did not satisfy this girl. She asked some fairly searching questions about what I really wanted, off the ears, length, tapered or cut at the ‘beck’ ? The ‘beck’ being the give away. We were not talking regional UK here we were talking proper foreign - Middle Europe. A Middle European girl with a better command of English than the majority of English girls.

Oh what a delight it has been to encounter the offerings from what was once behind the iron curtain. No longer do we have to put up with the surly, spotty, charmless, inarticulate British serving girls, who wouldn’t know service if it smacked them on the derriere “Oy, yew !”. No, these wonderful Slavic girls are bright, keen, they look you in the eye, they show interest. The high cheek bones do it for me, they lend an air of enthusiastic friskiness, exotic and of course I can’t deny that they are very easy on the eye. The Sandwich Shop is now abuzz, as is the Flower Shop, MacKays and the Newsagents and of course the Barber Shop.

I asked her where she came from ? Slovakia. I told her that I wouldn’t let a plumber near my house any more if he had a vowel in his name and that painters and decorators have to be called something ‘ic’ or you’ve got the wrong man. It’s the best thing that has ever happened, since the Bangladeshis came over and opened an Indian. The Poles, the Slavs, the Czechs, the Hungarians, they’ve given the fat slob Brit so called ‘skilled workers’ a right kick up their builders’ arses. We won’t touch the Brits anymore. In recent works on the house it took a Polish plasterer to correct the mess made by his Brit equivalent and a Czech painter to cut in properly and save Dave’s mess. I am especially impressed by Hungarians after one who was employed as a security guard came to my rescue. I was presenting on a Saturday and facilities had forgotten to ready me a projector from the Univeristy store. Being Saturday the store was locked, the key holder away - don't ask. The Hungarian asked for half an hour to sort something out. Unable to get the key to open the store, he was athletic enough to be able to squeeze between a grill and a counter and effectively break in. Old British jobsworth would have been far too fat to accomplish this and would have told me that it was more than his life was worth – which I imagine would have been little enough – to have broken in to the store. I thanked the Hungarian for going the extra mile.

She grasped the scissors so that her hand was covering the handles and some of the blade. I had never seen this before. And she cut very quickly. We didn’t talk much. I let her get on with her work. She was concentrating. At the end she checked my side burns to ensure they were level. I have never had this before. The Socialist Republic may have been a brutal regime under which to live but they certainly trained their people well. I hope she was getting the right rate for the job but fear that she was not.

On a recent sea trip I came across some Polish waitresses who were working on the ship because their careers did not pay well enough in Poland. One, a librarian, told me they worked four months on two months off. The ship itself never stops running. And because she was from Poland where the cost of living is lower than the UK she was paid less than the English and French crew. It’s a scandal. I don’t suppose they charged her less on board for her food and sundries ? They do this in Birmingham at BMW and at A & P ship builders on the Tyne where the Poles get £5 less per hour than other labour and no contracts, so they can be laid off in an instant. Not that this stops them from coming. But of course as Middle Europe makes its way over here, so it creates shortages in the home countries. The other day the Mayor of Gdansk had to come over to Peterborough and urge the townspeople to return to build the stadium for Euro 2012. He didn’t get any takers, so quite what will happen I don’t know. It won’t affect England, of course, because they won’t qualify but the other countries might want to know where they are to play in Gdansk..

I imagined her name was Anya. She concentrated on the cutting and took a proper amount of time. Eventually she succumbed and just before it was over, asked me whether I had a holiday planned ? No, but she had been to Egypt. I imagine the holiday question from a hair dresser is the staple of Bratislava as much as it is here. She showed me the back of my head which I only ever get to see once every six months and I noted that she had cut the hair most neatly.

This was a new style for me. It tended towards something from the front cover of Soviet Worker circa 1965, minus the square jaw and muscles... At least I don’t look like a Crested Grebe, any more.

Duncan

2008-07-02T08:41:00.004+01:00

Last Saturday, the 28th June, saw the Maltman's Green School 90th Anniversary Charity Ball in aid of the Wexham Park Ventilator. And what a fabulous event it was. The evening was warm and sunny, perfect for a glass of champagne outside, the company was enchanting - all 410 of them - the marquee was beautifully decorated, comfortable and the floral decorations, courtesy of She who must etc...were most effective. The band, Lovetrain, were a blast and the guests were incredibly generous. Monies are being counted as I write...eleventy twelve, eleventy thirteen...and we do not yet have a definitive figure but it is way ahead of our expectation. I knew what we needed from the auction and was able to announce that we had achieved our target for the Ventilator during the evening which was satisfying. It's funny isn't it but just as we are leaving we are discovering really wonderful people with whom we would have had terrific friendships during our 6 years at the school, I am sure. One spectacularly beautiful woman to whom I had never spoken before and who had seemed to be unaware of my presence - indeed, positively to ignore me - throughout our time at the school, came up to me and we had a delightful conversation. It just shows how wrong you can be about people, sometimes. Or perhaps she had been helped to a couple of glasses of the fizzy stuff. Anyway, for a minute I was flattered. I was treated royally by the organisers and had great fun running the auction where I think we pulled £10,000 off the floor in 15 minutes. It just goes to show what support the guests were giving. The committee were spread around the tables pointing out the bidders. It was hard to see as there was light on stage and a lovely romantic and atmospheric gloom throughout the marquee. One chap in a white tux confused me as he stood next to the white of the tenting. One of the girls was frantically pointing to this bidder and I could see nothing. Then a couple of chaps struck up a conversation across two tables and as they couldn't hear each other because of me, starting pointing at each other. One of them was completely unaware that he was the lead bid on the Sunseeker Motoryacht day at £2,250 for a moment, while the other nearly copped a pair of Pave earrings for just under a grand. And then I was dragged back on stage as the band sang Happy Birthday - the Stevie Wonder song, thankfully and not the 'squashed tomatoes and stew' one. What an evening !

I am still waiting for the results from the Chiltern Shakespeare Company for their proceeds from A Midsummer Night's Dream and the Breath Of Fresh Air evening. They will be along shortly. What I can tell you is that the 'Procurement' fellow at Wexham Park has done a fantastic deal on the Ventilator, the Draeger Evita XL - ask for it by name whenever you are taken to ITU for a bit of resuscitation - and we are easily able to afford one within our fund raising. We may be able to afford one or even two of the smaller type of ventilator, the Oxylog. This is a transport ventilator. In a nutshell if you have a patient in ITU on a ventilator who needs to be transferred to say the John Radcliffe for special treatment, then they will need to be on a ventilator in the ambulance and the Oxylog is the ventilator for this. At £10,000 each - less the 'procurement' chap's discount, they are cheaper than the Draegers and we may be able to afford two. So as soon as the bean counting has been done we will be able to make an announcement.

So that looks like the end of the fund raising. Now we have the admin, the accounts for the Charity Commission, the gift aid forms. So some of you may well be getting a form from us for signing so that we and you can collect our tax rebates.

Now I need to get on with getting on. A bit of sailing wouldn't go amiss. I already have two trips on Dorothy Lee for the auction winners and then I will be out on Bernard's Sunseeker for the Sunseeker auction winners.

I never explained my devilishly clever idea for getting the attention of editors' at the National papers and magazines. I had toyed with clipping a fiver to my letter but this was scene as naff at best and desperate at worst and at variance with the quality of the work being offered - not my words but those of a concerned friend. Gary P, solved the problem when he said give them a Lottery Ticket and then you can say that 'of my two offerings, one as a columnist on your paper or the lottery ticket, I have to tell you that only one is a gamble' Clever stuff. I wrote a short letter and centred it on the page just like a few column inches of article and sent off my pitch.

Well the responses have been fabulous. Some of the rejections have been so positive that they have almost been acceptances. The Sunday Mirror was probably the best. They loved the lottery ticket idea and my articles, mentioned that I had talent which did me no end of good, said "don't give up"..."try the heavies". When I consider that they could have simply binned the package or asked Dorothy to send the usual, I feel honoured that they wrote such a constructive and positive letter.

The Daily Sport reply must have come from the Picture Editor because it was practically unreadable and it was shot full of typing and grammar mistakes. It had clearly had not been near a 'poof reader', I'm sorry 'proof reader'. It mentioned something about the Bahamas and a girl with enormous 'Beasts'. I can only imagine that this was supposed to be 'Breasts', although knowing the 'Sprot' they could just as easily have been 'Beasts'. But it was fantastic that they sent me a reply. Ian Hislop was amused. Richard Ingrams wasn't. Perhaps the 'Oldie' is never amused.

The local newspaper and I struck up a dialogue which was reasonably amusing and while there was not the budget to employ me as a columnist he did want to include some of our correspondence in his leader. Would I be happy with a credit ? I pointed out that he must have misread my original pitch letter and where I had opened with "For the usual fee etc." he had read "For the usual free". Nonetheless I succumbed to his persuasion, probably because I was flattered. Flattered does not however pay the household bills. Anyway as you can see I am at it in terms of making the new career blossom and I hope to report success soon.

Traditional Boats and Tall Ships magazine paid yesterday for my May articles. So I am published and paid.

Voiceover wise I continue to improve and my voice is as strong if not stronger than before the accident. Ten open air shows over a couple of weeks does wonders for one's voice.

As one often does with a part in a play I have very much adopted the flavour of the character of Theseus, excepting some of his extremes. I don't think I will be conquering nations, or applying the law of Athens where you didn't take issue with your issue, if they didn't do as you said you put them to death. It's a fairly persuasive way of making a point you have to admit ! I do love the lines, however "....To you, your father should be as a God. One who composed your beauty yeah and one to whom you are but as a form in wax. By him imprinted and within his power to leave the figure, or disfigure it...." This has been trotted out to Ellie but I have to say that the effect has not been what I had hoped for. The response, "like, whatever" didn't really do it for me.

There will be more when I have the figures and can tell what we are really able to buy.

Duncan

2008-06-18T10:37:00.007+01:00

It has been three days since A Breath Of Fresh Air, the show we staged at Hall Barn to raise money for the Ventilator. And what a show it was. Michael Vivian wrote the show with contributions from Helena Breck and Julie Berry and then the assembled actors slotted in their pieces be it poetry, prose, singing, or sketch. We ran the show through during the afternoon – you couldn’t call it a rehearsal – and then performed the show in the evening. And everything went like clockwork. The performances were fabulous it was wonderful having Lesley Joseph, Geoffrey Palmer, Sarah Kestelman, Adam Stafford, Kim Ismay, Simon Masterton-Smith, Emma Vansittart, Julie Berry and Kathy Godfrey on stage. And then there were the actors from Central School. They were so talented and professional. It was an absolute joy. Of course songs and interludes would not have been the same without Michael Haslam as the musical director. And when everyone came off stage there was Helena Breck to help.

It was one of the great moments in my life and I am in debt to all who contributed to the show and all who attended.

We have one more activity to go in this fund raising round for the Ventilator and that is the Maltman’s Green Ball on the 28th – my Birthday. After that I will be able to announce where we are in terms of having the cash. Let’s hope we can conclude the deal. And when we get the Ventilator I think I’d better put my name on it and call it “The Last Gasp”.

Of course we are just pioneering the new NHS where you top up with whatever you require and can afford privately. Like they’re doing with the cancer drugs.

Mind you I don’t suppose it would go down too well if we called up ITU and said;

“I am not feeling too spiff and I am on my way so could you get my Ventilator

ready ?”

“Oh, it’s being used. I see”

“Well could you take it off this other person, clean the spittle off ready for me ?”

“This other chap will die will he ? Oh dear”

“They’ve got a Ventilator available at Hillingdon have they ? And I’ll have to go there”

“So you still need another Ventilator ?”

“So that’s that, then. And you’d like us to raise the money ?”

“Right Ho.We’ll see what we can do”

And so starts Breath Of Fresh Air 2009.

There have been calls for a photo of Katie. So here is her publicity shot as a voice over. Her

career is going along nicely and she is getting work – always a good thing (no work, no career)

I have also had a reasonable shot taken of me by She who must etc... and here it is.

Duncan

2008-06-03T13:36:00.005+01:00

I went to Wexham Park ITU yesterday for a social visit rather than to avail myself of their facilites, I hasten to add and met with the doctors who saved my life. It was a wonderful meeting and quite eerie hearing the alarm sound of the ventilators. It took me right back to when I was lying there.

Traditional Boats & Tall Ships magazine - a magnificent publication - is out on the news stands and my articles are included. Buy a copy if you can ! Over the coming months I will be giving straight forward explanations of some of the nautical terms and expressions. This month we deal with The Knot and Weather Helm.

Breath Of Fesh Air is coming on a treat. Hosted by Lesley Joseph with Adam Stafford we now have Geoffrey Palmer, Sarah Kestelman, Dean Chisnall and a cast of 30 dancers and singers. If you haven't bought tickets for this fab event on sunday 15th June at 7.30pm at Hall Barn in Beaconsfield, please call me on 01753 890555 or the box office on 08700 667720. Tickets cost £10. The sooner we raise the money for this ventilator for Wexham Park the sooner I will stop asking you for support.

Duncan

2008-05-27T23:38:00.003+01:00

At 8.00 this morning Sally got a telephone call. It was from our youngest daughter Ellie, on her newly acquired mobile. She was in the downstairs lavatory and had run out of loo roll. Could we please furnish her with some ? The nerve !

Duncan

2008-05-23T13:45:00.006+01:00

Much has been happening. The biggest news is that we can confirm, Lesley Joseph of Birds of a Feather fame and much else besides will be hosting our Breath Of Fresh Air Evening on Sunday 15th June at Hall Barn, Beaconsfield. So please buy tickets, lots of them. The price is £10 each and the proceeds got to the Wexham Park Ventilator Fund. We will have a fabulous show with music from a Little Night Music, hilarious sketches, evocative readings and poetry and a number of stars who have yet to be named. The wonderful Sarah Kestleman will also be reading a piece.

It promises to be a great evening and you can book tickets on 08700 667720.

More news. I am now published and have a “What Is ?” column in Traditional Boats and Tall Ships magazine. So if you want to find out the derivation of The Knot, how to calculate True Wind Speed and Angle from Apparent, why Weather Helm is better than Lee Helm, what a Chum is or Baggywrinkle, look no further than “What Is ?” in TBTS.

My assault on the Nationals, Regionals and Magazines is also underway with the most devilish clever promotional device to get noticed. Somehow, some way I will get my next career as a columnist off the ground. Stand by for rejection letters, or worse still the deafening sound of silence !

Apropos of that I saw two articles in this morning's rag. One concerned a girl who had started drinking at 12 and by the age of 14 had very serious liver damage, according to the doctors, and now at 18 will die if she touches another drop of alcohol.

And the other story showed some dramatic shots of a man taking a photo of the sunset in the Grand Canyon, perched precariously on top of an isolated rock and further shots of his leap back to the safety of land apparently over a 1,000 foot drop.

To which I have these comments;

A fourteen year old drinks 6 bottles of wine and a litre of vodka a day ? And it's paid for out of her dinner money ? Where did her parents think she was lunching, The Ivy ? How ridiculous. Either someone is telling porkies or someone is telling porkies. Even at the height of his drinking Gerard Depardieu was claimed to be getting through only 4 bottles of wine a day and he is a fairly substantial chap. What did this girl's parents think when she returned home stinking to high heaven of booze, slurring her speech and collapsing all over the place ? Not to mention the vomitting. “Hard day at school dear, never mind”. Some people get what they deserve, parents, child and all. Ludicrous..

A man is seen sitting atop a rock sticking out above the Grand Canyon. Camera on tripod he is drinking his way through a six pack of beer waiting for the sun to set. He is after a good sunset shot. Tourists nearby see him and take photographs of this strange site. The sun sets, the shot is taken and with his gear under his arm and his rubbish, for he is no litterer, he makes the 8 foot leap back to the safety of the edge of the canyon. The tourists notice he is wearing flip flops. A Dutchman takes some shots of this foolhardy act. This much we are told by the paper and we think, “what an idiot”. However, a quick whizz round the internet establishes that the shot of this man was taken by a professional Dutch photographer called Hans Van Der Horst who has as you would expect has a fabulous website of stunnning pictures. And in fact just out of shot was a ledge so that if the man had slipped he would have only fallen a few feet to safety and not the 1,000's of feet to the canyon floor that we are led to believe. So the picture is not what it seems. Omelettes sur le visage all round then at the Daily Mail and P45's for the research department, I wouldn't wonder.

Duncan

2008-05-13T12:29:00.008+01:00

OK this is a major push for the Wexham Park Ventilator Fund. We have some £19,000 in the account. We require £36,000. We are very kindly receiving the profit from the Maltman’s Green Summer Ball. The profit will come very much from the Auction. I have put up a weekend on Dorothy Lee my Hallberg Rassy 352 sailing boat as one of the prizes. Last time I did this the weekend went for £650. We want to do better than that this time. I am Master of Ceremonies for the evening I will also be running the auction. So I am very much singing for my supper, or rather the Ventilator Fund’s supper.

Then there is the Chiltern Shakespeare Company who are very kindly donating the profit from their show, A Midsummer Night’s Dream. During the run of their show on Sunday the15th June we will also be holding an evening called A Breath Of Fresh Air (Breath of fresh air/Ventilator, get it ? Oh, well suit yourselves) which will be an eclectic offering of song, verse, prose and sketch.

There will be songs from the top London shows sung by the stars themselves. A major star will run the show and we have other stars lined up. However, stars and their schedules being what they are it is always difficult to pin them down until near to the performance date but trust me we have some big names. And as soon as I have clearance to say so I shall be shouting from the rooftops.

You see, it’s a double edged sword. We need the money for the fund so we need a large audience and to get that we need stars but stars also need a large audience because otherwise we won’t have mazimised their star status. So, as much as we need them, we also need you to book tickets.

And of course there is the Midsummer Night’s Show to support, so I am asking for quite a bit of work here. And it is all in aid of getting a ventilator for Wexham Park Hospital.

It was all very well of She who must etc... to stand there in ITU and promise that we would make up their shortfall. Naturally she was grateful that her comatose husband was having his breathing done for him and being kept alive by one of these precious things. But little did she realise that the effort of raising the cash would practically kill him. For not only am I taking part in A Breath Of Fresh Air (now known as BOFA) but for some reason I forgot about the ‘no’ word when the director of Midsummer Night’s Dream asked if I would like to play the part of Theseus, Duke of Athens, and I am doing that as well.

It’s all part of my rehabilitation I tell myself. And of course being a dreadful show off, all of this standing up in front of people be it as an auctioneer or in BOFA or Dream is great fun.

Re BOFA and DREAM these are held at the estate of Hall Barn. Doors open 2 hours ahead of the performance and one can bring a picnic supper and eat this in the lovely grounds, down by the lake, on the lawns, by a folly etc. and feel quite gentrified, or indeed damp - from the grass - if you don’t bring a rug or chairs. The seated area is raked (you all get a good view) and covered (you all stay dry should think the unthinkable happen).

Here follow some of the details you need re dates etc and a bit about Hall Barn. However there is only one thing you really need and that is the booking number.

08700 667720

It is very important that you book.

Dates for Dream are 11- 14 and 18 – 21 June

Date for A Breath Of Fresh Air is – ONE NIGHT ONLY SUNDAY 15th June – Don’t Miss it !

I want to be able to walk in to ITU on the 30th June with a cheque for £36,000 and take them down to the Ventilator shop and buy them the machine !

As good old Fred Pontin used to say “Book early to avoid disappointment.”

Please support us and help us to reach our target for the Ventilator. I would try begging you but I think that might be demeaning. So please, please, please, please, please come. Apart from anything you’ll have a fabulous time at both or either of the shows.

Duncan

2008-05-07T17:39:00.001+01:00

I am sprawled on the sofa watching television. My bag is full, a little liquid and a lot of air. I could go upstairs and change but it is late and I will change when I go up to bed which will be in a short while, so to release the pressure I let a little of the air out, a sort of fart. Lifting up my shirt I unclip the top of the bag and expel the air, being careful not to expel anything else.

I am officially discharged from all things medical as of today. Bed 9 in ITU that became Room 16 in the Paragon Suite that was a person has now officially disappeared.

The surgeon even muddled up my bowel with someone else today when he told me that I had half of my large bowel left which is interesting because I have a drawing by that very surgeon which shows that I have no large bowel, except a couple of inches at my bottom and a couple at the other end by the ileum, which is partly why a reversal of the colostomy is unlikely. They have moved on a long way from ‘Duncan bowel’. They are busy people and they have saved many lives since they saved mine and it is my replacement in Bed 9 of ITU that they need to concentrate on now and not the living.

In a way it is a positive thing that they are starting to forget me. In another it is alarming that something that was so traumatic for me cannot be shared with them.

I am asked questions about how I feel, energy levels on a scale of 1 to 10, my mood, how work is going ? I pat the answers back.

I do not ask any questions because I know that they do not have any answers.

I do have questions though but they must remain unanswered. Time will tell, I am sure

I was asked how the bag was going. Well, if you allow for the fact that one's self esteem is on the floor. Virginia Ironside who is apparently an agony aunt, wrote in the Daily Mail about her colostomy. She was much praised for her frankness. Although with her ability to bathe unbagged and the fact that her reversal is due soon and that she has the greater part of both small and large bowel, she and I did not have the same need for a colostomy. I wrote a comment on the Daily Mail internet website and was interested to note that we were writing down the left hand side of the page about colostomies and down the right hand side were banners which one could click on of the beautiful people and what they had been up to recently. There wasn't the sniff of a colostomy there.

The beautiful people on the right and on the left, the un-beautiful.

Will colostomy ever be a subject for open discussion or will it remain in the closet ?

The subject of lavatory paper was always considered infra dig and now Andrex advertise openly. Immodium is all over the telly, so you don’t have to be all over the loo, presumably. Products to prevent fluid retention and unseemly leaks from female persons are thrust in our face, so perhaps colostomy will be next. Ostomates of the world unite.

Duncan