Duncan Wells

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 12:31:00 +0000

Ellie’s 11th Birthday. She is very excited and says she has a ‘cool’ tartan dress.

I have just returned from Wexham Park where I hand delivered a cheque for £49,290. There is further money to come from the gift aid and this will be handed over as soon as we get it for Her Maj’s R and C.

What I didn’t know and what makes all the difference for me, is that the Oxylog 3000 transporter ventilators are not just to be used in ambulances. They are to be used to move patients within the hospital as well. In the past it was not easy to take someone on a static ventilator for a CT. One way was to use a bag with a doctor squeezing it to regulate the air but this is arduous if the squeezing has to be kept up for any length of time and it uses more people. Now with the 3 Oxylogs they can whip people all over the shop for CT scans, X- rays, cardio inspections, all sorts. So these ventilators mean that ITU can improve the level of care they give their patients. Bloody marvelous ! And well done to everyone who gave.

I thought you’d want to know.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 18:33:00 +0000

11th August

The great day. The handing over of the BIG cheque, you know the 4 foot by 2 foot jobby that you see on Telethons and so forth.

Wexham Park had laid on a fabulous presentation. Everyone was there, all the surgeons, doctors, half of the ITU nursing staff (the other half were nursing the sick in ITU and swapped over at half time). It was a wonderful closure to the whole episode. And we were able to present a cheque for £50,000, much in excess of our original target and all of it allocated to the 4 machines that ITU will now buy. The Draeger Evita XL ventilator with pendant fitting to be positioned over a bed space in ITU and then 3 Oxylog 3000 transportable ventilators to go in ambulances when ITU need to move their patients to other hospitals for specialist treatment.

All the local press were present and we had persuaded London Tonight to come along and do a piece. It appeared on the 6.30 news and again at 10,30 and was a terrific piece in most respects. I had supplied them with material that we had shot on the day back in April 2006 and asked them not use the shot of the accident or the aftermath. There was plenty of good stuff showing flares alight and the deploying of them. Unfortunately for one reason or another they used the footage. I should have known better. I had handed the 'Sweet Jar' to them and they couldn't resist. So the piece is more harrowing for family than it needed to be and what was supposed to be our final act, the closure, was in rather ruined for us. Has someone got something against me - the accident, the torrid fight with the insurance company and now this ? London Tonight have apologised - easy really when you have got what you want and you want to avoid a complaint to Offcom or worse - and to their credit they have made a small donation to the ventilator fund. Apparently they are not a rich TV company. Yeah, yeah and I am told that the Queen is a bit strapped for cash. Anyway to have got a 'sorry' out them was pretty good going. The piece, nonetheless, is very good so everyone tells me. And in case you missed it I believe that one can still see it on the London Tonight website at;

http://www.itvlocal.com/london/news/?void=222322

It was all Sally's idea and what a good idea it was !

Thank you so much to all those indicuduals from around the world who gave so generously. Some of the indidual sums were enormous. And thank you to the Friends of Maltman's Green who gave the proceeds from the Summer Ball which went way over expectations. Thank you to Chiltern Shakespeare Company for giving us the proceeds from A Midsummer Night's Dream. Thank you to the Lions for the proceeds from the parking at the Dream show. Thank you to Michael Vivien and Julie Berry for putting on a Breath of Fresh Air, or 'Last Gasp' as I liked to call it. And finally thank you to Sally for unending support.

Wexham Park suggested that we might name the ventilator. I think they were thinking of a park bench style dedication. But Ellie piped up and in her ever original manner of naming stuffed toys, Giraffey, Lioney, Rabbitty, etc, suggested 'Venty'.

I think we will say "Thanks for saving Duncan's life. Sally MacDougall".

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Fri, 08 Aug 2008 14:15:00 +0000

The pudding took quite a while. When it did arrive the waiter said,

“Chef apologizes but one of the Apple Tartine’s is slightly over-caramelised”.

By which he meant ‘burnt’.

“Not to worry”, said I “when it comes to the bill you will find that payment will be slightly under-capitalised”.

By which I meant ‘short’.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 15:36:00 +0000

I was a waver, now I just waver

I have always waved at fellow boaters. From day one out on the water. Even during my Day Skipper practical on a motor boat, a lovely Nelson Weymouth 42. The instructor applauded my sense of cheer but suggested that while I might get acknowledgement from other motor boaters it was probably not worth waving at sailors as “they don’t like us, generally and they probably won’t wave back”. Never one to admit defeat I have waved at sailors and motor boaters alike, ever since. Most of the time I will be sailing my boat or instructing on other yachts and occasionally I will be on a motor boat.

There is no question that being on a sailing boat elicits a more favourable response. A Hallberg Rassy 352 such as mine is the ideal boat from which to wave. The motor boaters I wave at are perhaps surprised to see me waving in a friendly manner as opposed to telling them off for some misdemeanor. I reckon you can guarantee to get a return wave if you as a sailing boat wave at a motor boat. Not so when waving at sailing boats. The ignorance and bad manners that a good many of the sailing fraternity are showing to all and sundry is alarming. Of course waving at racers as they make their way to and from the course is likely to be met with a snub. Whenever I see shorts, Oakleys and testosterone together I keep my hand in my pocket. One is best advised just to keep out of their way.

I used to wave at the gentle looking couples in their Vancouver or Rival or Nicholson but have been ignored so often that I no longer bother. I nstead I have taken to pallying up to the Bavarias. A rather rough and ready lot they may be but they are at least friendly.

Returning to the Hamble from Osbourne Bay earlier this week on a Sunseeker Camargue 50 we had tucked in close to Bald Head Starboard Marker and so were out of the way of anyone approaching the Hamble entrance. We had been running at 35 knots and as we came abreast the Hamble Point South Cardinal some 100 metres to our West we slowed to 20 knots. We were lined up to enter the Hamble River entrance and there was still a further 350 metres to go until the first of the Starboard Hand Marker posts. Sailing in a SE direction just inside and to the East of the cardinal were two people in a Wayfarer dinghy. I waved at them. No response. I then waved again. This time they pointed to the stern of our boat and presumably the wash. It looked as though they were telling us off for having wash. In fact the wash had subsided by the time it reached them some 100 metres away But I thought how unnecessary it was to complain like this. The Solent is a busy waterway and if you take your 15 foot dinghy out into it you are going to meet with all sorts of lumpy sea, swell and wash. There was nowhere else for our boat to go, we were slowing down in preparation for the entrance to the Hamble. The 6 knot limit sign was over half a mile distant and yet these people complained. How selfish, I thought. What a disgrace. They couldn’t know that the skipper of the motor yacht is the most considerate motor boat skipper I have ever met who would be mortified if he let his wash disturb any sort of sailing vessel. God help the Wayfarer people if they ever meet the Red jet. But it is that sort of discourteous behaviour, petty and selfish which is giving sailors a bad name.

If they are not prepared to take the rough with the smooth dinghy sailors should not venture out into Southampton Water. You don’t suppose that Ned Lloyd’s Shanghai Express is going to reduce its tsunami like wake for them by slowing down ? It can’t it would lose steerage if it went too slowly.

So I am adopting a new policy. I will only wave if waved at and where once I was a waver now I just waver. If you have a view about the manners shown by either side in the endless debate between sailors and motor boaters, please let me know.

In response to my request to be enlightened about the Brigton Gay Men's Choir, I have indeed been enlightened and most eloquent and rational and persuasive this enlightment has been.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Mon, 21 Jul 2008 09:30:00 +0000

Bright and Gay Men's Choir

Tell me, am I wrong ? But does it not offend one’s sensibilities to have a group of singers calling themselves The Brighton Gay Men's Choir presented to us on prime time TV ? Last Choir Standing on Saturday had exactly that, a bunch of bald boutique bearded bum bandits singing and not very well at that. Why is it necessary for them to declare their sexual preference ? I don’t introduce myself as Duncan Wells – heterosexual.

At least they looked squeaky clean which given their predilection was a blessing. Still they were kicked out of the competition and put back in the closet where they belong thank goodness. Homophobic me ? I just, well, you know. It was Clarkson who wrote... 'whenever I meet a homosexual I can't help but stare at their bottom and wonder' ...

Perhaps I misread the name. Was it actually the “Bright And Gay” Men's Choir. I note that I have apostrophised the Men's. I am not sure that this is how they spell their name, alas.

I am not the only one who is finding this homosexuality thing hard to handle, the Anglican Bishops seem to be having their fill of it too.

Do tell me if I have got it all wrong though.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 10:51:00 +0000

The New Hair Cut

I usually exit the barbers sporting something in the style of the Crested Grebe which gives me an appearance of permanent surprise.

Today, however was different. There was no wait. There was a spare seat and a spare girl. She asked me what I wanted. I wasn’t sure, a trim ? And while this would have satisfied the average hair dresser it did not satisfy this girl. She asked some fairly searching questions about what I really wanted, off the ears, length, tapered or cut at the ‘beck’ ? The ‘beck’ being the give away. We were not talking regional UK here we were talking proper foreign - Middle Europe. A Middle European girl with a better command of English than the majority of English girls.

Oh what a delight it has been to encounter the offerings from what was once behind the iron curtain. No longer do we have to put up with the surly, spotty, charmless, inarticulate British serving girls, who wouldn’t know service if it smacked them on the derriere “Oy, yew !”. No, these wonderful Slavic girls are bright, keen, they look you in the eye, they show interest. The high cheek bones do it for me, they lend an air of enthusiastic friskiness, exotic and of course I can’t deny that they are very easy on the eye. The Sandwich Shop is now abuzz, as is the Flower Shop, MacKays and the Newsagents and of course the Barber Shop.

I asked her where she came from ? Slovakia. I told her that I wouldn’t let a plumber near my house any more if he had a vowel in his name and that painters and decorators have to be called something ‘ic’ or you’ve got the wrong man. It’s the best thing that has ever happened, since the Bangladeshis came over and opened an Indian. The Poles, the Slavs, the Czechs, the Hungarians, they’ve given the fat slob Brit so called ‘skilled workers’ a right kick up their builders’ arses. We won’t touch the Brits anymore. In recent works on the house it took a Polish plasterer to correct the mess made by his Brit equivalent and a Czech painter to cut in properly and save Dave’s mess. I am especially impressed by Hungarians after one who was employed as a security guard came to my rescue. I was presenting on a Saturday and facilities had forgotten to ready me a projector from the Univeristy store. Being Saturday the store was locked, the key holder away - don't ask. The Hungarian asked for half an hour to sort something out. Unable to get the key to open the store, he was athletic enough to be able to squeeze between a grill and a counter and effectively break in. Old British jobsworth would have been far too fat to accomplish this and would have told me that it was more than his life was worth – which I imagine would have been little enough – to have broken in to the store. I thanked the Hungarian for going the extra mile.

She grasped the scissors so that her hand was covering the handles and some of the blade. I had never seen this before. And she cut very quickly. We didn’t talk much. I let her get on with her work. She was concentrating. At the end she checked my side burns to ensure they were level. I have never had this before. The Socialist Republic may have been a brutal regime under which to live but they certainly trained their people well. I hope she was getting the right rate for the job but fear that she was not.

On a recent sea trip I came across some Polish waitresses who were working on the ship because their careers did not pay well enough in Poland. One, a librarian, told me they worked four months on two months off. The ship itself never stops running. And because she was from Poland where the cost of living is lower than the UK she was paid less than the English and French crew. It’s a scandal. I don’t suppose they charged her less on board for her food and sundries ? They do this in Birmingham at BMW and at A & P ship builders on the Tyne where the Poles get £5 less per hour than other labour and no contracts, so they can be laid off in an instant. Not that this stops them from coming. But of course as Middle Europe makes its way over here, so it creates shortages in the home countries. The other day the Mayor of Gdansk had to come over to Peterborough and urge the townspeople to return to build the stadium for Euro 2012. He didn’t get any takers, so quite what will happen I don’t know. It won’t affect England, of course, because they won’t qualify but the other countries might want to know where they are to play in Gdansk..

I imagined her name was Anya. She concentrated on the cutting and took a proper amount of time. Eventually she succumbed and just before it was over, asked me whether I had a holiday planned ? No, but she had been to Egypt. I imagine the holiday question from a hair dresser is the staple of Bratislava as much as it is here. She showed me the back of my head which I only ever get to see once every six months and I noted that she had cut the hair most neatly.

This was a new style for me. It tended towards something from the front cover of Soviet Worker circa 1965, minus the square jaw and muscles... At least I don’t look like a Crested Grebe, any more.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 07:41:00 +0000

Last Saturday, the 28th June, saw the Maltman's Green School 90th Anniversary Charity Ball in aid of the Wexham Park Ventilator. And what a fabulous event it was. The evening was warm and sunny, perfect for a glass of champagne outside, the company was enchanting - all 410 of them - the marquee was beautifully decorated, comfortable and the floral decorations, courtesy of She who must etc...were most effective. The band, Lovetrain, were a blast and the guests were incredibly generous. Monies are being counted as I write...eleventy twelve, eleventy thirteen...and we do not yet have a definitive figure but it is way ahead of our expectation. I knew what we needed from the auction and was able to announce that we had achieved our target for the Ventilator during the evening which was satisfying. It's funny isn't it but just as we are leaving we are discovering really wonderful people with whom we would have had terrific friendships during our 6 years at the school, I am sure. One spectacularly beautiful woman to whom I had never spoken before and who had seemed to be unaware of my presence - indeed, positively to ignore me - throughout our time at the school, came up to me and we had a delightful conversation. It just shows how wrong you can be about people, sometimes. Or perhaps she had been helped to a couple of glasses of the fizzy stuff. Anyway, for a minute I was flattered. I was treated royally by the organisers and had great fun running the auction where I think we pulled £10,000 off the floor in 15 minutes. It just goes to show what support the guests were giving. The committee were spread around the tables pointing out the bidders. It was hard to see as there was light on stage and a lovely romantic and atmospheric gloom throughout the marquee. One chap in a white tux confused me as he stood next to the white of the tenting. One of the girls was frantically pointing to this bidder and I could see nothing. Then a couple of chaps struck up a conversation across two tables and as they couldn't hear each other because of me, starting pointing at each other. One of them was completely unaware that he was the lead bid on the Sunseeker Motoryacht day at £2,250 for a moment, while the other nearly copped a pair of Pave earrings for just under a grand. And then I was dragged back on stage as the band sang Happy Birthday - the Stevie Wonder song, thankfully and not the 'squashed tomatoes and stew' one. What an evening !

I am still waiting for the results from the Chiltern Shakespeare Company for their proceeds from A Midsummer Night's Dream and the Breath Of Fresh Air evening. They will be along shortly. What I can tell you is that the 'Procurement' fellow at Wexham Park has done a fantastic deal on the Ventilator, the Draeger Evita XL - ask for it by name whenever you are taken to ITU for a bit of resuscitation - and we are easily able to afford one within our fund raising. We may be able to afford one or even two of the smaller type of ventilator, the Oxylog. This is a transport ventilator. In a nutshell if you have a patient in ITU on a ventilator who needs to be transferred to say the John Radcliffe for special treatment, then they will need to be on a ventilator in the ambulance and the Oxylog is the ventilator for this. At £10,000 each - less the 'procurement' chap's discount, they are cheaper than the Draegers and we may be able to afford two. So as soon as the bean counting has been done we will be able to make an announcement.

So that looks like the end of the fund raising. Now we have the admin, the accounts for the Charity Commission, the gift aid forms. So some of you may well be getting a form from us for signing so that we and you can collect our tax rebates.

Now I need to get on with getting on. A bit of sailing wouldn't go amiss. I already have two trips on Dorothy Lee for the auction winners and then I will be out on Bernard's Sunseeker for the Sunseeker auction winners.

I never explained my devilishly clever idea for getting the attention of editors' at the National papers and magazines. I had toyed with clipping a fiver to my letter but this was scene as naff at best and desperate at worst and at variance with the quality of the work being offered - not my words but those of a concerned friend. Gary P, solved the problem when he said give them a Lottery Ticket and then you can say that 'of my two offerings, one as a columnist on your paper or the lottery ticket, I have to tell you that only one is a gamble' Clever stuff. I wrote a short letter and centred it on the page just like a few column inches of article and sent off my pitch.

Well the responses have been fabulous. Some of the rejections have been so positive that they have almost been acceptances. The Sunday Mirror was probably the best. They loved the lottery ticket idea and my articles, mentioned that I had talent which did me no end of good, said "don't give up"..."try the heavies". When I consider that they could have simply binned the package or asked Dorothy to send the usual, I feel honoured that they wrote such a constructive and positive letter.

The Daily Sport reply must have come from the Picture Editor because it was practically unreadable and it was shot full of typing and grammar mistakes. It had clearly had not been near a 'poof reader', I'm sorry 'proof reader'. It mentioned something about the Bahamas and a girl with enormous 'Beasts'. I can only imagine that this was supposed to be 'Breasts', although knowing the 'Sprot' they could just as easily have been 'Beasts'. But it was fantastic that they sent me a reply. Ian Hislop was amused. Richard Ingrams wasn't. Perhaps the 'Oldie' is never amused.

The local newspaper and I struck up a dialogue which was reasonably amusing and while there was not the budget to employ me as a columnist he did want to include some of our correspondence in his leader. Would I be happy with a credit ? I pointed out that he must have misread my original pitch letter and where I had opened with "For the usual fee etc." he had read "For the usual free". Nonetheless I succumbed to his persuasion, probably because I was flattered. Flattered does not however pay the household bills. Anyway as you can see I am at it in terms of making the new career blossom and I hope to report success soon.

Traditional Boats and Tall Ships magazine paid yesterday for my May articles. So I am published and paid.

Voiceover wise I continue to improve and my voice is as strong if not stronger than before the accident. Ten open air shows over a couple of weeks does wonders for one's voice.

As one often does with a part in a play I have very much adopted the flavour of the character of Theseus, excepting some of his extremes. I don't think I will be conquering nations, or applying the law of Athens where you didn't take issue with your issue, if they didn't do as you said you put them to death. It's a fairly persuasive way of making a point you have to admit ! I do love the lines, however "....To you, your father should be as a God. One who composed your beauty yeah and one to whom you are but as a form in wax. By him imprinted and within his power to leave the figure, or disfigure it...." This has been trotted out to Ellie but I have to say that the effect has not been what I had hoped for. The response, "like, whatever" didn't really do it for me.

There will be more when I have the figures and can tell what we are really able to buy.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 09:37:00 +0000

It has been three days since A Breath Of Fresh Air, the show we staged at Hall Barn to raise money for the Ventilator. And what a show it was. Michael Vivian wrote the show with contributions from Helena Breck and Julie Berry and then the assembled actors slotted in their pieces be it poetry, prose, singing, or sketch. We ran the show through during the afternoon – you couldn’t call it a rehearsal – and then performed the show in the evening. And everything went like clockwork. The performances were fabulous it was wonderful having Lesley Joseph, Geoffrey Palmer, Sarah Kestelman, Adam Stafford, Kim Ismay, Simon Masterton-Smith, Emma Vansittart, Julie Berry and Kathy Godfrey on stage. And then there were the actors from Central School. They were so talented and professional. It was an absolute joy. Of course songs and interludes would not have been the same without Michael Haslam as the musical director. And when everyone came off stage there was Helena Breck to help.

It was one of the great moments in my life and I am in debt to all who contributed to the show and all who attended.

We have one more activity to go in this fund raising round for the Ventilator and that is the Maltman’s Green Ball on the 28th – my Birthday. After that I will be able to announce where we are in terms of having the cash. Let’s hope we can conclude the deal. And when we get the Ventilator I think I’d better put my name on it and call it “The Last Gasp”.

Of course we are just pioneering the new NHS where you top up with whatever you require and can afford privately. Like they’re doing with the cancer drugs.

Mind you I don’t suppose it would go down too well if we called up ITU and said;

“I am not feeling too spiff and I am on my way so could you get my Ventilator

ready ?”

“Oh, it’s being used. I see”

“Well could you take it off this other person, clean the spittle off ready for me ?”

“This other chap will die will he ? Oh dear”

“They’ve got a Ventilator available at Hillingdon have they ? And I’ll have to go there”

“So you still need another Ventilator ?”

“So that’s that, then. And you’d like us to raise the money ?”

“Right Ho.We’ll see what we can do”

And so starts Breath Of Fresh Air 2009.

There have been calls for a photo of Katie. So here is her publicity shot as a voice over. Her

career is going along nicely and she is getting work – always a good thing (no work, no career)

I have also had a reasonable shot taken of me by She who must etc... and here it is.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 12:36:00 +0000

I went to Wexham Park ITU yesterday for a social visit rather than to avail myself of their facilites, I hasten to add and met with the doctors who saved my life. It was a wonderful meeting and quite eerie hearing the alarm sound of the ventilators. It took me right back to when I was lying there.

Traditional Boats & Tall Ships magazine - a magnificent publication - is out on the news stands and my articles are included. Buy a copy if you can ! Over the coming months I will be giving straight forward explanations of some of the nautical terms and expressions. This month we deal with The Knot and Weather Helm.

Breath Of Fesh Air is coming on a treat. Hosted by Lesley Joseph with Adam Stafford we now have Geoffrey Palmer, Sarah Kestelman, Dean Chisnall and a cast of 30 dancers and singers. If you haven't bought tickets for this fab event on sunday 15th June at 7.30pm at Hall Barn in Beaconsfield, please call me on 01753 890555 or the box office on 08700 667720. Tickets cost £10. The sooner we raise the money for this ventilator for Wexham Park the sooner I will stop asking you for support.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Tue, 27 May 2008 22:38:00 +0000

At 8.00 this morning Sally got a telephone call. It was from our youngest daughter Ellie, on her newly acquired mobile. She was in the downstairs lavatory and had run out of loo roll. Could we please furnish her with some ? The nerve !

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Fri, 23 May 2008 12:45:00 +0000

Much has been happening. The biggest news is that we can confirm, Lesley Joseph of Birds of a Feather fame and much else besides will be hosting our Breath Of Fresh Air Evening on Sunday 15th June at Hall Barn, Beaconsfield. So please buy tickets, lots of them. The price is £10 each and the proceeds got to the Wexham Park Ventilator Fund. We will have a fabulous show with music from a Little Night Music, hilarious sketches, evocative readings and poetry and a number of stars who have yet to be named. The wonderful Sarah Kestleman will also be reading a piece.

It promises to be a great evening and you can book tickets on 08700 667720.

More news. I am now published and have a “What Is ?” column in Traditional Boats and Tall Ships magazine. So if you want to find out the derivation of The Knot, how to calculate True Wind Speed and Angle from Apparent, why Weather Helm is better than Lee Helm, what a Chum is or Baggywrinkle, look no further than “What Is ?” in TBTS.

My assault on the Nationals, Regionals and Magazines is also underway with the most devilish clever promotional device to get noticed. Somehow, some way I will get my next career as a columnist off the ground. Stand by for rejection letters, or worse still the deafening sound of silence !

Apropos of that I saw two articles in this morning's rag. One concerned a girl who had started drinking at 12 and by the age of 14 had very serious liver damage, according to the doctors, and now at 18 will die if she touches another drop of alcohol.

And the other story showed some dramatic shots of a man taking a photo of the sunset in the Grand Canyon, perched precariously on top of an isolated rock and further shots of his leap back to the safety of land apparently over a 1,000 foot drop.

To which I have these comments;

A fourteen year old drinks 6 bottles of wine and a litre of vodka a day ? And it's paid for out of her dinner money ? Where did her parents think she was lunching, The Ivy ? How ridiculous. Either someone is telling porkies or someone is telling porkies. Even at the height of his drinking Gerard Depardieu was claimed to be getting through only 4 bottles of wine a day and he is a fairly substantial chap. What did this girl's parents think when she returned home stinking to high heaven of booze, slurring her speech and collapsing all over the place ? Not to mention the vomitting. “Hard day at school dear, never mind”. Some people get what they deserve, parents, child and all. Ludicrous..

A man is seen sitting atop a rock sticking out above the Grand Canyon. Camera on tripod he is drinking his way through a six pack of beer waiting for the sun to set. He is after a good sunset shot. Tourists nearby see him and take photographs of this strange site. The sun sets, the shot is taken and with his gear under his arm and his rubbish, for he is no litterer, he makes the 8 foot leap back to the safety of the edge of the canyon. The tourists notice he is wearing flip flops. A Dutchman takes some shots of this foolhardy act. This much we are told by the paper and we think, “what an idiot”. However, a quick whizz round the internet establishes that the shot of this man was taken by a professional Dutch photographer called Hans Van Der Horst who has as you would expect has a fabulous website of stunnning pictures. And in fact just out of shot was a ledge so that if the man had slipped he would have only fallen a few feet to safety and not the 1,000's of feet to the canyon floor that we are led to believe. So the picture is not what it seems. Omelettes sur le visage all round then at the Daily Mail and P45's for the research department, I wouldn't wonder.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Tue, 13 May 2008 11:29:00 +0000

OK this is a major push for the Wexham Park Ventilator Fund. We have some £19,000 in the account. We require £36,000. We are very kindly receiving the profit from the Maltman’s Green Summer Ball. The profit will come very much from the Auction. I have put up a weekend on Dorothy Lee my Hallberg Rassy 352 sailing boat as one of the prizes. Last time I did this the weekend went for £650. We want to do better than that this time. I am Master of Ceremonies for the evening I will also be running the auction. So I am very much singing for my supper, or rather the Ventilator Fund’s supper.

Then there is the Chiltern Shakespeare Company who are very kindly donating the profit from their show, A Midsummer Night’s Dream. During the run of their show on Sunday the15th June we will also be holding an evening called A Breath Of Fresh Air (Breath of fresh air/Ventilator, get it ? Oh, well suit yourselves) which will be an eclectic offering of song, verse, prose and sketch.

There will be songs from the top London shows sung by the stars themselves. A major star will run the show and we have other stars lined up. However, stars and their schedules being what they are it is always difficult to pin them down until near to the performance date but trust me we have some big names. And as soon as I have clearance to say so I shall be shouting from the rooftops.

You see, it’s a double edged sword. We need the money for the fund so we need a large audience and to get that we need stars but stars also need a large audience because otherwise we won’t have mazimised their star status. So, as much as we need them, we also need you to book tickets.

And of course there is the Midsummer Night’s Show to support, so I am asking for quite a bit of work here. And it is all in aid of getting a ventilator for Wexham Park Hospital.

It was all very well of She who must etc... to stand there in ITU and promise that we would make up their shortfall. Naturally she was grateful that her comatose husband was having his breathing done for him and being kept alive by one of these precious things. But little did she realise that the effort of raising the cash would practically kill him. For not only am I taking part in A Breath Of Fresh Air (now known as BOFA) but for some reason I forgot about the ‘no’ word when the director of Midsummer Night’s Dream asked if I would like to play the part of Theseus, Duke of Athens, and I am doing that as well.

It’s all part of my rehabilitation I tell myself. And of course being a dreadful show off, all of this standing up in front of people be it as an auctioneer or in BOFA or Dream is great fun.

Re BOFA and DREAM these are held at the estate of Hall Barn. Doors open 2 hours ahead of the performance and one can bring a picnic supper and eat this in the lovely grounds, down by the lake, on the lawns, by a folly etc. and feel quite gentrified, or indeed damp - from the grass - if you don’t bring a rug or chairs. The seated area is raked (you all get a good view) and covered (you all stay dry should think the unthinkable happen).

Here follow some of the details you need re dates etc and a bit about Hall Barn. However there is only one thing you really need and that is the booking number.

08700 667720

It is very important that you book.

Dates for Dream are 11- 14 and 18 – 21 June

Date for A Breath Of Fresh Air is – ONE NIGHT ONLY SUNDAY 15th June – Don’t Miss it !

I want to be able to walk in to ITU on the 30th June with a cheque for £36,000 and take them down to the Ventilator shop and buy them the machine !

As good old Fred Pontin used to say “Book early to avoid disappointment.”

Please support us and help us to reach our target for the Ventilator. I would try begging you but I think that might be demeaning. So please, please, please, please, please come. Apart from anything you’ll have a fabulous time at both or either of the shows.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Wed, 07 May 2008 16:39:00 +0000

I am sprawled on the sofa watching television. My bag is full, a little liquid and a lot of air. I could go upstairs and change but it is late and I will change when I go up to bed which will be in a short while, so to release the pressure I let a little of the air out, a sort of fart. Lifting up my shirt I unclip the top of the bag and expel the air, being careful not to expel anything else.

I am officially discharged from all things medical as of today. Bed 9 in ITU that became Room 16 in the Paragon Suite that was a person has now officially disappeared.

The surgeon even muddled up my bowel with someone else today when he told me that I had half of my large bowel left which is interesting because I have a drawing by that very surgeon which shows that I have no large bowel, except a couple of inches at my bottom and a couple at the other end by the ileum, which is partly why a reversal of the colostomy is unlikely. They have moved on a long way from ‘Duncan bowel’. They are busy people and they have saved many lives since they saved mine and it is my replacement in Bed 9 of ITU that they need to concentrate on now and not the living.

In a way it is a positive thing that they are starting to forget me. In another it is alarming that something that was so traumatic for me cannot be shared with them.

I am asked questions about how I feel, energy levels on a scale of 1 to 10, my mood, how work is going ? I pat the answers back.

I do not ask any questions because I know that they do not have any answers.

I do have questions though but they must remain unanswered. Time will tell, I am sure

I was asked how the bag was going. Well, if you allow for the fact that one's self esteem is on the floor. Virginia Ironside who is apparently an agony aunt, wrote in the Daily Mail about her colostomy. She was much praised for her frankness. Although with her ability to bathe unbagged and the fact that her reversal is due soon and that she has the greater part of both small and large bowel, she and I did not have the same need for a colostomy. I wrote a comment on the Daily Mail internet website and was interested to note that we were writing down the left hand side of the page about colostomies and down the right hand side were banners which one could click on of the beautiful people and what they had been up to recently. There wasn't the sniff of a colostomy there.

The beautiful people on the right and on the left, the un-beautiful.

Will colostomy ever be a subject for open discussion or will it remain in the closet ?

The subject of lavatory paper was always considered infra dig and now Andrex advertise openly. Immodium is all over the telly, so you don’t have to be all over the loo, presumably. Products to prevent fluid retention and unseemly leaks from female persons are thrust in our face, so perhaps colostomy will be next. Ostomates of the world unite.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Thu, 01 May 2008 11:10:00 +0000

Do you remember when we had something called insurance ? No, really we did.

It was a very good idea Let me explain how it worked.

In return for insuring the contents of your house against mishap from within or without an insurance company would do its sums and charge you a fee, a premium.

The terms were laid out clearly and in the event of a claim the insurance company would check that there was no foul play evident and then pay out.

Simple.

Not any more.

The insurance companies realised that they could afford an awful lot more champagne and foie gras for the directores if they introduced something called and ‘excess’. An excess to match their excess if you like. Of course the public are no saints and there were a few scoundrels who robbed their own houses, or indeed burned buildings down to claim on the insurance and collect the cash. But I like to think it was the rising cost of champagne that brought the excess in.

Now you will find that the value of your claim will be less than the excess, so in effect for most things, despite paying your insurance premiums you won’t actually be insured.

I know all this because I have just adjusted our contents and fabric policies. Now I am paying a quarter of what I was before by the simple expedient of having the highest possible excess on the policies. Given that I can’t afford to claim for any small loss I have decided to insure for large loss only – a full clearance burglary or a gutted house.

Mind you the specifications of the deadlocks, the lockable windows, the fully monitored alarm service and so forth are a nightmare and the insurance company will weasel their way out of anything if they can, so I am wary. There will also be conflicting and confusing information in the small print which will probably mean my insurance is invalid if we are burgled in a month with a vowel in it but I am doing my best.

I don’t expect to get paid out if something goes awry and we need to claim. In fact I was on the brink of leaving insurance alone altogether but this is where Insurance companies are so crafty because there is always the niggling thought of what if...

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 12:10:00 +0000

"My idea of roughing it", said Ade "is a manual gearbox". Oh how the other half live !

Further thoughts in this vein, shortly.

In the meantime I am trying to persuade my children to subscribe to my view of fatherhood and their responsibilities.

I have told Ellie...

"To you, your father should be as a God;
One that composed your beauties - yeah and one
To whom you are but as a form in wax
By him imprinted, and within his power
To leave the figure or disfigure it."

...but alas she is not buying the concept.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 16:43:00 +0000

A word to the wise. If you are having any building work done and you have any workers with names that include vowels, sack them on the spot.

They are not nearly Polish enough. Consonants, that's what we want. Someone with a name full of consonants like Strfwch Whsknjtch will be a master craftsmen.

You see, when Polish Pete turns up - well we have to call him that because Strfwch is frankly unpronounceable - he will be spot on time; he will take his shoes off at the door; he will be polite; he will refuse your offer of tea or coffee and only accept after considerable pressure and then it will be a cup of coffee; he will work brilliantly and ceaselessly and uncomplainingly until the job is finished; he will then clean up meticulously; he will hand his empty coffee cup back and thank you again and he will depart quietly.

And you will have fallen in love with him. You will want your daughter to marry him and most of all you will want him to come back and do the one thousand and one things that you need done but dare not ask a British workman to sneer at.

Vowels, Pah ! Consonants are king ! Up the Poles ! ... perhaps not.

And they speak better English than the locals to boot.

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 12:55:00 +0000

One final Barbados thought to share...

On the way to the airport with fields of sugar cane on either side of the road, I asked the driver if they had many snakes in Barbados ? "None", he replied "Not since they introduced the Mongoose"
"You'll have plenty of rats then ?"
"Oh, yes. Loads of rats".

We'd seen several kind of stoatey/ferrety things which must actually have been mongoose, crossing the road.

So Rikki Tikki Tavi was alive and a well and living in Barbados. Isn't the mongoose native to India ?

Further communication with our marine biologist friend - of Nigel, the turtle fame - elicited the fact that actually Barbados never did suffer from a snake problem. They have a few harmless grass snakes although these have reduced in number to perhaps two and one of them hasn't been seen for twenty years ! The problem with the sugar cane was that the rats were eating it and that's why the mongoose was introduced.

Quite why the government of Barbados thought that the mongoose - whose staple diet is snake - would decide that rat would be the dish of the day, no one really seems to know. Worse still, rats climb and the mongoose doesn't. And worser still the active hours of the two creatures appear to be at opposite ends of the day. The rats are awake at night and the mongoose are awake during the day, so generally they don't meet up much. Makes you wonder what the mongoose have been living on, or rather it doesn't because they ate all the harmless grass snakes which is why there are only two left.

Man's intervention in nature, as ever an unholy cock up !

Duncan

noreply@blogger.com (Duncan Wells) — Thu, 17 Apr 2008 15:37:00 +0000

Back from Barbados. Sandy and Robert married and all is well. A great time was had too. Ellie saved a green back turtle with the help of Barry Krueger, a marine biologist in charge of the Turtle Project on Barbados. She named him Nigel: the turtle that is, not Barry. Barry informed her that Nigel could well be a girl as at just 10 years old the turtle was still some 20 years off maturity and difficult to sex. “So, Nigella”, said Ellie, “if that is the case.” In fact, to suit my purposes I had privately named it 'Jeremy Clarkson', regardless of sex.

We stayed at the Treasure Beach Hotel, in St, James, where I had stayed some 16 years previously. The abundant coral reef of 1992 had been decimated and although there were several of the original species of fish still left, they were few in number and the coral was grey and lifeless.

The Treasure Beach while still being a very cosy and comfortable hotel, had changed a great deal and was noticeably flaking at the edges. The much vaunted $25 million refit was not obvious. In fact a refit is precisely what the hotel requires. Perhaps I misread the information and the refit is about to happen.

Sandy Lane as ever was the talking point but the coast is becoming so over developed that I would think that Barbados is yesterday's news as a holiday destination. A pity. Still if we holiday elsewhere in future we won't have to bump into the Michael Winners and Simon Cowells of this world, which is a plus. That said, we really did have a very good time.

The Wedding went off smoothly and was much enjoyed by the other guests in the hotel. The Treasure Beach did a very good job of organising everything and the photo's were wonderful.

Bride and Bridesmaid The Happy Couple

Wedding Party

There were seven of us including Sandy and Robert, Clare and Stuart on the holiday which was all part of the celebration of the marriage. And more convivial company it would be hard to beat. It was also a time of greath warmth as these two gentle people made their vows. “Obey”, I hasten to add wasn't one of them. I hope the occasion was as special for them as it was for us.

I found a Clarkson book to read. I don't know why but it caused much comment. People stop to pass the time of day when you are reading Jeremy Clarkson. “Ooh I love that Top Gear”...”My husband's reading that book at the moment”....and from a lovely lady with a refined Chicago accent “He doesn't think much of Americans, does he ?”. No indeed. He thinks they are Wankers. To quote him correctly “250 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker”.

Then somebody said they had seen him having a drink at a hotel just up the road. I told “She who must etc...” that if I saw him I would speak to him. She didn't think much of this idea.

"Wouldn't it be funny if he saw you reading one of his books", piped up someone.

"Not really. As a No 1 best seller I should think it's pretty normal for him to see people reading his books. He'd get worried if he didn't see people reading his books", I countered.

Then we were told that he had left the island and gone home. How do people know these things ?

So it was a surprise to me to walk into the bar at one hotel and find him playing back gammon with a woman - his wife ? Naturally I went straight up to him, apologised for interrupting him while he was on holiday and in mid game and told him that I loved the stuff he wrote and the programme and that the family were all fully paid up members of the “Jeremy Clarkson supporters club”. He and the lady listened, slightly quizzically but smiling - I suppose you do if you are famous, as you have no idea what is going to be said to you and whether or not it will be offensive - and he said “Thank you very much. Very kind” at the end. The complete gentleman to my intrusion.

Ellie was much chuffed that `we' had met Mr. Clarkson and “She who must etc...” couldn't believe that I had spoken to him. “Did he tell you to p*** off then ?” “Oddly enough, no. He was exactly as I would have expected”. She of little faith.

We met a number of like minded people, with whom I genuinely feel we will stay in touch. I met a lady whose father had worked for Shell, as my father had, and who had been stationed in Caracas Venezuela. Barbados was therefore their nearest caribbean holiday spot. We had been based in the Philippines. To add to the coincidences this lady was a cook and worked for Sir Martin Arbib - he of the Perpetual financial company. And it was he who in 1969 lent me $20. We were on a flight from Hong Kong to Bangkok when the plane had to turn back because of a mechanical problem and we were to stay overnight in HK. Martin and his bride Sally were on their round the world honeymoon - she having been a BOAC stewardess. I met my mother at the airport with a “Hi mum, this is Martin Arbib, I wonder if you could let him have the $20 I've just borrowed from him”. You see, we were just as bad as our children are today. Worse probably. Anyway I had decided to contact Martin Arbib and had sent him a letter a couple of months ago but had not had a reply. I was a little uncertain of his address as the Perpetual/Invesco people were suitably vague, naturally. Anyway, thanks to the lady I met, I have the address of his p.a. and can check if they have the letter. The lady told me “well he wouldn't have replied if you wrote recently because he has been in Barbados at his home, since Christmas and in fact only went back to the UK last Friday”. So now I know. I hope he gets my letter.

Apropos the new career, I have much material. I am working up articles to market, for;

The Sea Turtles Of Barbados

The Decimation Of The Coral

1992 Versus 2008 In Barbados

The Ignomony Of Travelling Economy

On Holiday With Jeremy Clarkson

How We Saved Jeremy Clarkson

In the meantime I supplied the articles to my first commission and will have to wait until publication to find out if I am to be published.

On the 9th April we toasted Alex Whitworth and Corrie McQueen, to the success of their adventure and to a safe passage as they set off from Sydney to Devon Island. You can follow their log on www.berrimilla.com/tng/blog.html

There is one final story from Barbados.

Returning on a BA flight on Sunday 13th April, Ellie thought it might be nice if the cabin staff or the pilot might make an announcement congratulating Sandy and Robert on their marriage, so she spoke to a stewardess. Ellie told me that this had been arranged and that the Captain would read out a message. As the flight neared its end I asked Ellie when this announcement would be made. Once we had landed we were told.

We waited.

The Captain said his farewells and thank you's and still nothing.

I had told Ellie that the passengers would probably applaud the announcement. But alas, there was no clapping, because there was no announcement.

Nothing.

As we exited the plane we asked what had happened and were told that the message had been passed to the flight deck.

Now I don't know who this `Scottish accented' Captain was but he made a big mistake..

In case he missed the point these are the errors he made.

1. An impressionable 10 year old could have been a BA passenger for life. Now she is likely to question which airline will carry her in the future and to elect any airline other than BA if possible.

2. Our party - seven of us - are in a similar position,

3. BA share the Barbados route with Virgin. They have now lost 7 passengers to the competition.

4. The PR impact of making that announcement to the several hundred passengers on the plane would have been immeasurable. This was lost.

5. Crew confidence in the Captain has been lost. They will certainly ask themselves why he couldn't have satisfied the modest request of a 10 year old girl.

6. Worse still, once we told the married couple what had not happened, they were incensed at the way Ellie had been treated by the Captain.

7. This story which had the makings of a very nice fillip to BA has now been sent to the nationals for an airing. It is a human story;

“10 year old's hopes dashed by callous BA”.

You'd think what with T5 and all, that they would throw themselves at some good publicity. Apparently not.

And as public relations opportunities, none come more neatly packaged or is indeed handed to one on a plate quite so readily as this. So why British Airways fell at the first hurdle is beyond me. Corporate greed ? Disdain for the customer, the little man ? Or a simple matter of forgetfulness which of course in its casualness encompasses greed and disdain. I know not.

It would have made such a lovely end to such a fabulous wedding and honeymoon.

Still it didn't spoil it for us and I am sure it didn't spoil it for Robert and Sandy. Water off a duck's back, eh ?

Duncan